There are only a few experiences in my life that I can say have changed me forever... my first time on stage, Ben leaving for the airforce, the birth of my first child, the love note that Ben wrote 8 years ago that said "Relax you are valuable"... OK, this is so strange. I can't even bring to my mind things that used to be important to me. I guess that is because nothing could prepare me for what happened last Friday. It has consumed me for 6 full days. All I can think about is right now and being in this moment. There is no way to expect your 37 year old husband to have a heart attack. It is an outrageous thought to imagine my life without him. And I cringe at the thought that I almost had to.
Last Friday he was playing basketball at our church and felt chest pains, couldn't breathe, and had radiating pain down his left arm... all the classic signs. He told Tim Bakker our pastor to call 911. The cardiologist later told us it saved his life. He had a 100% block in one artery and another 80% block as well. Both required stints which holds open the artery for bloodflow. But even while I speak those details, I can't help but look at those words without remembering his face while I was running beside the gurney... "I'm sorry. I love you. Tell the kids I love them." Paste, that was the color of his forehead. I saw blood somewhere. But mostly I watched in horror as his mouth gasped for air and he spoke to Tim next to me... "Take care of my wife. Take care of my kids."
I will never be the same. I know Ben won't be either. He made it through the surgery and had complications with Diabetes. His blood sugars wouldn't go below 300 for a few days. They started him on insulin shots. In order for us to leave the hospital, he had to give himself the shots. It was horrible for him. He has a phobia of needles... and to think he has to give himself 4 shots each day as well as prick his fingers 4 times. It is amazing that he has toughed this out and is sitting on the couch right now playing on the computer. Honestly, if it was me, I would be throwing a fit saying, "Why me?? How come I have to do this crazy low fat, low carb, low sodium, low cal diet? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" But he doesn't. He is working on accepting this situation... and so am I. But it is so much easier that he WANTS to be healthy. One of the things he kept saying in the ambulance was "I want to live!" And that is so true. Ben wants to live... and apparently God wants him to as well.
The first few nights I couldn't sleep at all... I kept trying to hear him breathe. How ironic that when I came home 3 days later, Hope snuck into my bedroom, tapped my on the shoulder and said, "Mommy, are you breathing?" Breath has become important to me and all of our children. Walking too. Oh, and even eating. Well, I have to add sleeping... Hmmm.... Interesting. The things that strike me now as so important are SO simple. Dha! But it is true!!
I guess what I want to say is how God has spoken to our family about this crisis. We have all become part of the healing process through eating right, excercising, etc. But more than that, we have embraced trusting God. On Friday after surgery, Hope came home from school to find church friends waiting for her. They explained the situation and she called us. When she got on the phone with Ben (who was still groggy), she exclaimed, "Daddy, there was a miracle today! God talked to me at school and told me something bad was going to happen but that it would be ok. I heard him say that and it really DID happen just like he said. Daddy, I know He is real! He really did die on the cross for me!" It was the first moment I realized that we were not the only ones growing through this situation.
Many people have been helping us and supporting us. We feel so much love and care. Prayers are flying into heaven for us and we are so grateful. Thank you for being there... We love you all.
Last Friday he was playing basketball at our church and felt chest pains, couldn't breathe, and had radiating pain down his left arm... all the classic signs. He told Tim Bakker our pastor to call 911. The cardiologist later told us it saved his life. He had a 100% block in one artery and another 80% block as well. Both required stints which holds open the artery for bloodflow. But even while I speak those details, I can't help but look at those words without remembering his face while I was running beside the gurney... "I'm sorry. I love you. Tell the kids I love them." Paste, that was the color of his forehead. I saw blood somewhere. But mostly I watched in horror as his mouth gasped for air and he spoke to Tim next to me... "Take care of my wife. Take care of my kids."
I will never be the same. I know Ben won't be either. He made it through the surgery and had complications with Diabetes. His blood sugars wouldn't go below 300 for a few days. They started him on insulin shots. In order for us to leave the hospital, he had to give himself the shots. It was horrible for him. He has a phobia of needles... and to think he has to give himself 4 shots each day as well as prick his fingers 4 times. It is amazing that he has toughed this out and is sitting on the couch right now playing on the computer. Honestly, if it was me, I would be throwing a fit saying, "Why me?? How come I have to do this crazy low fat, low carb, low sodium, low cal diet? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" But he doesn't. He is working on accepting this situation... and so am I. But it is so much easier that he WANTS to be healthy. One of the things he kept saying in the ambulance was "I want to live!" And that is so true. Ben wants to live... and apparently God wants him to as well.
The first few nights I couldn't sleep at all... I kept trying to hear him breathe. How ironic that when I came home 3 days later, Hope snuck into my bedroom, tapped my on the shoulder and said, "Mommy, are you breathing?" Breath has become important to me and all of our children. Walking too. Oh, and even eating. Well, I have to add sleeping... Hmmm.... Interesting. The things that strike me now as so important are SO simple. Dha! But it is true!!
I guess what I want to say is how God has spoken to our family about this crisis. We have all become part of the healing process through eating right, excercising, etc. But more than that, we have embraced trusting God. On Friday after surgery, Hope came home from school to find church friends waiting for her. They explained the situation and she called us. When she got on the phone with Ben (who was still groggy), she exclaimed, "Daddy, there was a miracle today! God talked to me at school and told me something bad was going to happen but that it would be ok. I heard him say that and it really DID happen just like he said. Daddy, I know He is real! He really did die on the cross for me!" It was the first moment I realized that we were not the only ones growing through this situation.
Many people have been helping us and supporting us. We feel so much love and care. Prayers are flying into heaven for us and we are so grateful. Thank you for being there... We love you all.
4 comments:
Dear Melody,
It was truly miraculous, we praise God that Ben is alive! And what a blessing to see the body of Christ at work, providing for every need. Each member of the body preforming their task, loving, praying, driving, babysitting, giving, witnessing, listening and so many more. I love how you and Ben connected with the staff at Edward Hospital....so many seeds were planted! In the midst of your crisis, you brought glory to God. As it should be. Love you, Pam
i can't believe i almost lost my uncle and didn't even know it till now? we need to keep in contact i love u guys and i want to be with u guys more often we aren't that far away i miss u guys i hope ben gets better
love,
Danny ur nephew
Praise the Lord that like the wild bill you have been given more time to serve God. Good talking with you Ben. Melody we are praying for you and strength during this hard time. peace your cuz, Josh and Danica Allen, Taylor, Jayden, and Eden
I know that this was in November, but Hope's testimony is so utterly amazing. God seems to speak to even our young ways that are so miraculous! Our prayers are continually with you guys! Can't wait for Rwanda!
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