Can't sleep

I am anxious today. I have been battling the feelings of fear like a war in my mind all day. Falling ill is plaguing my mind. I keep thinking what will I do if I am really sick? I have prayed and tried to center myself… I just don’t feel like myself.

I miss home so much right now. When I feel anxious, I want to be in my familiar surroundings. And I can’t say why I feel so unsettled here, everything seems uncomfortable and stiff. This sounds so spoiled, but even a comfy chair to watch television is out of the question. The kitchen is sparse without any yummy snacks and the water has had an odd taste to it lately.

Today Ben went to get bottled water. As soon as I took my first swallow, I drank down a huge glass full. Have you ever noticed how smooth clean water is? Even with my parched tight throat I could taste the sweetness of it. That seems really odd to me. Water has never tasted sweet to me before. It is a basic need and I can’t imagine that children such a short distance from me have never had the luxury of my glass of water today.

I feel sad. I feel overwhelmed. I don’t know how to accustom myself to a life of few comforts and luxuries. I do this every year… you think I would be used to it by now. But sometimes the lack of hot shower, clean water or a good night’s sleep (dogs barking and people shouting prayers all night) gets under my skin and I want to complain. “I don’t have to live like this!”…my mind sometimes screams. But I choose to anyway because I can’t turn my back on what I have seen.

God help me. I am struggling tonight. Give me strength and courage to continue this journey. I need your help. Help me be grateful and content with what I have. Thank you for the water today. Thank you for the turkey sandwich and chocolate I ate. Thank you for Ben who always wants to meet my needs. Give me this day my daily bread… Amen