2.1.05

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

One of my dogs came up to me an hour ago and licked my hand. Normally, that slimy expression of love repulses me. I know where that tongue has been! Yuck. But today, it was welcomed. I felt a sense of affection and realized that I was being picked out of 21 others to be cherished. My heart melted and two tears slipped down my cheek. How ironic that the things that used to irritate me now have this affect. Who knows, he probably was telling me he had to pee or something.

Anyway, it made me think about the needs that I have to be loved and touched. And may I dare say held. As I think every mother knows, the time comes when all of the touching and cuddling you have given becomes a duty that can drain you immensely. But if a mother stopped giving it, maybe the child would feel as I do today. Lonely? Maybe a little neglected? There is something so vital about receiving affection. Too little attention is paid to it. Even I, a grown up 35-year-old mom feels the need for it. I think a part of me has reverted back to age 6 or so. Everything feels so out of control and I need a hug to make me feel it will be all right. So what is going on that is bringing about this emotion in me?

They are leaving soon. The time is getting closer when I will say goodbye to my new friends. I feel that I am focusing so intently on the day-to-day activities and necessities that the long-term needs have gone somewhat untended to. I make sure that they are fed and dressed (of course the parents to the lions share of this – I just supervise). I make sure that they have clean blankets and towels. I make sure they take showers and use deodorant. And they have learned so quickly. I think perhaps that I am facing the “empty-nest” syndrome! What will happen to them when they leave? Of course, World Relief has assured me that they will be well cared for.

But I am also grieving. When I tried to lay down for a nap, I reflected on the thought that I would love to do this for our families in Global Family Rescue. I have hosted two Bantu families and cared for them. How I would love the opportunity to love on our 220 families the way I have loved on the Somali’s in my own home. I wish they all could have the opportunity that America can offer.

My greatest desire is that any hungry or broken person that crosses my path will find some sustenance. I don’t have the ability to do that, but I know God does. Maybe I will only be able to offer one meal or one kind word. But God is able to do exceedingly more than I can ask or think through me. I want to be full of His love until it is spilling out onto others who are thirsty or hungry.

But first, this means I must be fed myself. I told Ben I was feeling the need for some attention, he hugged me and I can say I felt better. But I need more than that. I need a hug from God. I need His arms to wrap around me, and I want to feel Him close. Today, I caught a glimpse of that when I held Medina (2 year old). She was crying and I picked her up. She wrapped her little arms around me, put her head on my shoulder and fell fast asleep. That is what I want. I want to fall asleep, because even now I am crying for the needs of this world and I want my daddy to tell me everything is going to be all right. I don’t understand why there is so much suffering sometimes and the task seems so daunting for me alone. But when I am in His arms, I know I am not alone and He cares. We are in this together. My arms are his arms and there is no difference between Him and me.