Tuesday, January 26, 2005 (12:30 am)
Ok, it is official. I have lost my mind. This afternoon I was completely at peace with this whole situation. Now I am screaming my head off when I find no sheets, blow up beds or towels that were supposed to be brought here tonight. I have raised such a ruckus that even Providence has now woken up and gone in search of the items (oh the scorn of a woman in preparation of house guests!).
I have lost sight of what will happen in 24 hours: 21 people will find the silence deafening after a day “organized” chaos. 9 Somali children will be sleeping soundly (with or without a pillow, blanket or mattress) with their parents nearby. 2 parents will breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the journey from Africa to America has ended (but we know that it has really just started). 6 Pahlow’s will be tired of speaking Swahili. But all will be warm and fed. And maybe, with luck, some of us will even smell clean after a hot shower.
And now, here I am freaking out over these seemingly basic things that to me seem “needed”. I wonder - does a refugee know to be disappointed if there isn’t a towel, pillow or mattress waiting for them? Shouldn’t the focus be that these people will be breathing free air for the first time in their lives? They will never be the same. There will be no more desperation to survive. No more starvation, disease, and war. There will be opportunity and helping hands.
But here I am, just the same, angry that I don’t have what I want in place. Well, are these “basic needs” for my comfort or for theirs? Why isn’t offering my home enough? I think I have an appallingly higher standard than they have.
And so, I leave you tonight with these thoughts. What is it that I really need? How different are my needs from the needs of a slave, living in a tent, eating one pile of mush a day, and surviving the day only to go to sleep in the dust? I am humbled. If all I can offer is my floor and a meal, my job is complete. Do I have courage to trust that it is enough for a refugee OR for even me?
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