1.29.05

Saturday, January 29, 2005

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you start wondering if you have done it all right. Have you even done anything right? Maybe the entire foundation of why I have lived my life this way or that is off. Maybe I had it wrong. I have begun to question the way I have raised my kids.

Don’t get me wrong, my kids are really great. I think they are fairly responsible for their age, caring, and I do recognize when they are “others-focused”. There is growth emotionally, spiritually and physically. And yet, I….wait….I am starting to compare them. That isn’t right to do. But something doesn’t feel right. Something feels terribly wrong.

American kids have things at their finger tips. I could talk about their toys, clothes and things. But I am thinking more about when a child hasn’t received food or water (the basics), what happens to them? What changes?

Well, yesterday Ben and Fartun (oldest girl) were cooking and Mohammed (7 yrs) was standing by the counter looking forlorn. I actually thought he was sick. He was dead quiet and he looked hollow. His white eyes were looking so large and sad. They stood out in stark contrast to his dark skin. He just stood there with no words or tears. He solemnly looked on as Ben continued to cook. I asked Fartun, “What is wrong with Mohammed?” She said, “He hungers.”

Those words haunt me. Even now, my throat tightens as I choke back the tears. He did not cry out, he was not impatient or demanding. There was food all around him and yet he held himself like a grown man would. I hear her say again, “He hungers.” It was said factually, not emotionally. I heard her say it as if she had said it a hundred times before. And he never reached out for help. What was he thinking? I reached out to hold him and Ben pulled out a piece of cooked meat and handed it to him. He received it graciously and ate it – it wasn’t hurried but savored.

And so in this lies my dilemma. I can not get that moment out of my head. I can not imagine what it was like for these children to live in a refugee camp for 8 years. They hungered but were forced to wait. And what is the result? They didn’t die, but they became incredibly patient and forbearing in nature because they suffered in hunger on a regular basis.

Now, do I want to have my children experience that? No. By all means, no! I can’t imagine the pain of watching my children stare at me with those hollow eyes. But I have imagined giving my children less. Who ever heard of waiting for anything in America?

And what does God mean when He says that He will provide? Has Mohammed cried out to God for food or water? And maybe the reason Mohammed doesn’t cry out any longer is that he knows there is a possibility it will not come. My heart is broken. While I am relieved to be feeding my Mohammed, there are millions who hunger or thirst. I have seen them myself in Rwanda. I spent a month after I returned in depression thinking of all the excess that would serve that country.

What was the result? I concluded that God is sovereign. That seems so callous, but I had to trust God that He would do as He said. He is the “Father to the fatherless.” I could go crazy thinking about the millions…but for now, I think about my 11. These are my 11. Have you found your 11? I mean, in your heart – deep down where no one can see the tears you shed for them? Have you reached that place in you that can’t bare to stand by and merely watch? Where is that place for you?

I am changed again. I stand before God, and cry out for the ability to feed more. There are so many who need and we have so much. Of course, hunger may not be physical, maybe it is emotional. Who is in need around you? Who hungers? You may be the very hand that can cure the hollowness.

And now I see myself. When I would not even speak a word and I was starving for God. I sat back with an empty heart and then He saw me! Thank God, He saw me. Wow! I am grateful. I am so grateful.

There have been numerous CCC families who have made these refugees “THEIR 11” too. Just today we had 3 families come to minister in different ways. Food, house-sitting, and clothing needs. These people make me proud to be a part of CCC. We don’t believe in doing ANYTHING small. One friend took most of the kids with me to see “Shark Tale” at the cinema. Ali, the 5 year old, sat on her lap and fell fast asleep half way through. It was so adorable! He was absolutely comfortable and relaxed. He was SO relaxed he relieved his bladder! It was the funniest thing when she calmly turned around to me and said, “Hey, I have a very wet lap – does that mean I get extra points?” I wish everyone in the church could have this experience. Not necessarily having a refugee pee on you! But the part of saying “Help me!” You would not believe the quality people at this church who will stand by you as a complete stranger and hold you up! Thank you God for CCC! (Oh yeah, Kevin! You are the silliest cook I have ever met! Awesome peas!)