The Child Within

Recently one of my elementary school friends told me I helped her out of a very difficult situation when we were in second or third grade. Lets call her "Anna". Anna was an outcast of sorts. She was shy, a little awkward, had beautiful long brown tresses and was small in stature. Anna also didn't have a lot of friends. What I do remember is that one of the bigger and more popular girls in my circle continuously picked on her and that is pretty much all I can recall of Anna.

A few weeks ago, Anna wrote me a long note explaining her difficult and desperate situation as a bullied 10 year old girl. She told me she was devastated even until this day over the multiple attacks. She recalled crying each day when she went home from school. She was terrified every morning and had no peace of mind. Her mother worried about her regularly and didn't know how to help her survive the situation.

All at once I began feeling fearful of where this letter was going and quickly tried to retrace my memories. Worrisome questions loomed in my mind; had I been mean to her or had I participated in the bullying? I was truly concerned that Anna would tell me I had ruined her life in some way. It was then that she said these words that I will never forget:

Anna wrote, "Melody, if it wasn't for you I could never had made it through."

"Wait", I thought. "What did I do"? Embarrassingly, I could barely remember Anna. She was just one girl in a class of hundreds in our Chicago public school. I honestly remembered more about the scary bully than Anna because even I was afraid of her! This girl would often beat up her own brother... of course she could lay anyone of us out! Standing up to her was suicide. How could I have possibly helped?

But Anna proceeded to tell me that I had regularly stopped or distracted the bully from harassing her and that I had also been, "extremely kind" to her after the bullying took place. She remembered me with such fondness and was genuinely grateful for my interventions. She often thought of me when her own children were experiencing bullying and prayed for someone like me in their lives. I was shocked by the revelation. I had never known that I had made that kind of impact on her.

If you knew me when I was 10, you would know I was nearly the shortest girl in my class. You would also know that I was lively, always smiling and silly. You may even know that I was passionate about art, dancing and music. But what I just found out is that I was also kind and compassionate too. I took risks and stepped out against injustice even before I knew how many there would be in the world.

I love finding out about who I really am at my core, at the center of me. I see that those things are who I am if you strip away all the pain, the brokeness, the abuse, and the loss of innocence. I want to return to seeing those beautiful traits when I am angry at myself for another perceived failure. I want to embrace the truth of who I am and believe in the Melody that is in my center. Today I choose to believe that God gave me a great capacity for happiness and beauty.

More?

It is pouring rain outside and I am about to start work. The office is quiet and I can hear the cars rushing through the water and the drops on the window pane. I haven't got a clue what I am doing right now. I feel like my life is becoming monotonous and the sound of the rain is deafening. I want to live my life to the fullest extent but I feel held back. Maybe I am held back by rules, fears or insecurities. It bothers me when I feel like half of my life is gone and I don't have much to show for it. My kids are nearly grown, laugh lines are fully developed and material things are rusting. I want more and deep inside I feel a little guilty for that.

I want joy. I want peace. I want to stop second guessing myself. Maybe I want to break the rules a little. I want to breathe deeper and laugh harder. I want to talk during a movie and copy the teenagers in front of me who are making out in the theater. I don't want to cry anymore. Why should I? Why should I keep looking back? I want to go to church and not feel condemned. I want to feel a deep sense of God's love for me no matter how broken I am.

Mostly I want to know that there is more to life than this... pain and loss.

Running hard and fast

Nothing like pain after a good run... sometimes I wonder why I push myself so hard but I think it is because I want to dull the other pains in my life. Physical pain transcends the emotional. Running faster and harder than when I was a kid. I love it.

Beautiful girl

Just wanted to share an updated photo of Hope. It is so hard to believe she will be 13 in a month. Braces come off before then too! She is so excited. She is one of the most gentle people I know. I love hanging out with her!