More?

It is pouring rain outside and I am about to start work. The office is quiet and I can hear the cars rushing through the water and the drops on the window pane. I haven't got a clue what I am doing right now. I feel like my life is becoming monotonous and the sound of the rain is deafening. I want to live my life to the fullest extent but I feel held back. Maybe I am held back by rules, fears or insecurities. It bothers me when I feel like half of my life is gone and I don't have much to show for it. My kids are nearly grown, laugh lines are fully developed and material things are rusting. I want more and deep inside I feel a little guilty for that.

I want joy. I want peace. I want to stop second guessing myself. Maybe I want to break the rules a little. I want to breathe deeper and laugh harder. I want to talk during a movie and copy the teenagers in front of me who are making out in the theater. I don't want to cry anymore. Why should I? Why should I keep looking back? I want to go to church and not feel condemned. I want to feel a deep sense of God's love for me no matter how broken I am.

Mostly I want to know that there is more to life than this... pain and loss.