Doubting my doubts

There is no doubt I have doubts.  I doubt frequently.  I fear failure.  I fear not being good enough.  I especially get wrapped up in the little things that weigh me down like an albatross.

Yesterday I felt terrified that I wouldn't be able to physically make it home to Uganda because I have been having some hip trouble (threw it out running of course).  I also felt afraid of what would happen once I arrived!  I agonized over the potential of malaria and even the ever present threat of snakes.  Today I worried that my suitcase wouldn't hold enough for the village... and then I realized perhaps I would have to leave my hair mousse behind!  Oh no. That WOULD be a terrible thing, right?

Today a good friend sent me a scripture, but she gave me the wrong reference.  It was a God thing.  Today I read Exodus 33:11-14.  Moses says to the Lord (and I am paraphrasing here): Hey, if you like me so much, can you tell me a little more here so I can trust you?  God replies, "I will go with you and you will be fine".  

Today that is my verse.  I am clinging to that.  God honors faith.  He knows our hearts and the places of great doubt... so that makes me know that of all things, faith is very high on His list.  Despite all my worries I will trust Him; whether I am here or in Uganda.  God says I will be fine. :)

Home for Christmas...

This December, Ruth and her entire family moved into her brand new home.  Please take a few minutes to read her letter of gratitude to her donor Philip.

Look at her new door and windows!!!

Dear Philip

RE: Sincere Gratitude

Praise the Lord so much.  I wish to send you this letter  to express my most sincere gratitude for all you have done for me and my family. I do not know how to tell you about my past, since I have got the good things now, but in the past I had a lot of challenges which you have washed away from me.

Since my childhood I stayed with my mum, our father could not even take care of us which caused our mum to quit her marriage because the father did not care at all. Worse still he was very violent. She could not stand this. She moved to a very small rented house. Her major aim was to make sure that she feeds us so that we do not die. We did not eat to have enough but to survive. We got used to having one simple meal in a day and just sleep on empty stomachs. All the same we appreciated the old woman.  Our mother took care of us in the best way that she could despite the very poor conditions.  We did not even get the chance to go to school.

All my life I had a dream of having a good big house, where I could have a room of my own, which I would make smart and clean. I was not thinking about a cement and glass house. I would have been satisfied with a smaller and less permanent house. Even that one I never got. I kept on dreaming for a house. But that did not happen until now. I had very many years to wait. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize my dream. I now have a three bed room house. I have a spacious room of my own and the children have their rooms. I do not know express my joy. When construction was going on I went to the house every day. I moved in and out of every room and I could wonder whether I was dreaming or it was real that this is my house!!!! I couldn’t wait to enter and live in it. Thank you very much for giving me a great house!!!!!!

When I grew up, I got married to a man whom I loved and we started staying together in a rented house.  I knew that since I have got a companion, we shall be well off. My husband and I worked very hard and we saved some money in the house, planning to look for a better place and build a house of our own. I was happy and looked forward to a good life.  After a few years I had 3 children and even I was 7 months pregnant expecting another baby. I was expecting Peter. One day when I came back from work, I found when my husband had taken all our belongings in the house and also the money that we had worked for and saved for a long time, he only left my clothes.  Since then I have never  heard from him or heard of him.

He left me with the kids in the rent house and I suffered with the children. Feeding and dressing the children was hard enough but paying the monthly house rent was the most complicated.  I was in arrears for many months.  When the situation became worse, I went back to my mother’s house with the family after failing to pay a few months rent.  I promised the land Lord to continue paying until when the debts would be paid up. It took me a long time. I started digging in other people’s plantations with my mum in order to get some food to feed the family.  The idea of putting the children in school was unthinkable. The dream of ever having a house of my own was completely dropped.

During those days I gave birth to a baby boy (Peter), by bad lack, the baby was attacked by Tuberculosis ( T.B),  because in my mother’s  small house we were  staying with my brother who is a smoker. We were congested in the small house and I had no help and no alternative. I took Peter for treatment in the many places that I could afford. I tried some hospitals but in those days I had no money. Peter was at the verge of dying. Good luck came when Ben and Melody took my baby to an intensive care unit; this was through the church of Christ in our area. The baby was cured and he gained his life back. He is now healthy and bouncing.

Then miracles came. The first miracle was that I was going to receive a monthly financial support. I was not even sure about who was so generous to give me this income. I knew this would be enough to give me and my children with my mother a descent life with enough to eat.  I was happy and comfortable. I was not thinking about a house yet. But miracles continued flowing.  Latter on I was told that you were going to build a house for me, haaa,  oh myyy, on that day I was the happiest lady of the day. I was like crazy!!!!

The house has been constructed and we have started staying in it. When I am in my room I hear the boys happily chatting in their room. I smile to myself and just thank God. Sometimes I do cry. For sure sometimes I cannot understand how and why you selected me among all the people… It is amazing. So I have a beautiful spacious house and even the toilet and bathroom were built. I thank you so much for that kind of loving heart that you showered to me and my family. Thank you once again for giving us a descent home to live in. It is a wonderful house. May the Almighty God bless you so much.

I wish you a merry Christmas and a Prosperous new year 2013. I wish you more and more blessings to you and your family.

I remain your friend,

Nakangu Ruth

Her new luxury bathroom

This latrine was dug down to 60 feet!

"I almost collapsed"

When Ben and I read this update letter from Josephine, we wept.  I know it will grab your heart!  Special thanks to the Stecker family who willing stepped up to sponsor this precious family.

NAKAMANYA JOSEPHINE M044

Dear Kathy Stecker

Praise God. I would like to thank God who led me to meeting Ben and Melody. I would like first of all to thank Ben and Melody for the great love they showed me when they came to Uganda. You never left me even when you went back in America. You tried all your best to connect my family to the wonderful Kathy Stecker  who is  my friend and supporter. 

It was on the 5^th July 2012, when our AFR case worker came looking for me in the garden where I was working (making potato heaps). I started wondering why she was looking for me but she told me I have good news for you; your family has got a donor. I almost collapsed because of the great joy that I felt. I shouted and laughed and cried at the same time. The next day the account was open for me but unfortunately when we came back from Stanbic Bank, I found my daughter very sick. I did not have any money to take her to the hospital. But I had to get a debt of $4 (Uganda shillings 10,000/=) and take her to the nearest Health Clinic where she was admitted but the sickness got worse. The next day my daughter Nampewo died. When my child died her father was not at home. He came for the burial but he left soon after leaving me alone and the children. I cried.

Ben and I with Pastor Dan and Josephine's family

My married life has been very stressful with my husband leaving home for many months on end saying that he has gone to work for money. But he returns home without any coin only to harass me and make me and the children very unhappy. We do not have big land for me to cultivate enough food for the family. To earn money I would go to the bush, collect some fire wood and sell it to some people at the trading centre. I would then buy some food and other items like soap for the family. It is usually very bad for us whenever I am pregnant. I would then be too weak to carry the fire food. That means that there would be no food at home. We would have just one meal a day at about 3.00pm in the afternoon. At night the children would demand for food which I did not have and then they would cry. I would also cry. Thank you very much Kathy for wiping away our tears!!!

Josephine's oldest when we first met him

Before the regular support you are giving me I have never had regular income. I always get very little money from manual work. I would spend it immediately on the basic needs at home. It was from hand to mouth as they say. What is very frustrating is that my husband never appreciates my hard work and my physical weakness. He is not bothered. I suspect that he has another woman somewhere whom he loves better and feeds.

But I thank God who has strengthened me from all that distress and with your help Kathy you have been of great help. Because now I am debt free, we have food to eat and the older children are now back in school. They had dropped out of school because I had no school fees, no uniform and other scholastic materials. I bought a piglet both to cheer me up and as a project for future income generation. The greatest joy that you have brought to me is that my children are at school and have enough food to eat. We have new Sunday clothes. The joy that we have now is unbelievable. When we are around the fire cooking we talk about you. We just wonder how you can love us this much. We pray that God may bless you more and more.

I send you love and greetings in the name of Jesus.

Yours who loves you very much

JOSEPHINE

If you would like to sponsor a family, we are desperately looking for sponsors for 80 families like this on our waiting list.  Contact melody@africafamilyrescue.org and I can get you started immediately.

Baby Christine

There is no way to write this.  Josephine has suffered another loss.  Last time I met her she was working for pennies, suffering with malaria, had a 104 degree fever and 9 months pregnant.  Today her daughter passed away.  She was only 1 year old.  Baby Christine was tiny and fragile.  She was here briefly and was the apple of her mother's eye. (See my earlier blog at:  http://melodypahlow.blogspot.com/2011/07/had-day-filled-with-hope.html)

I don't have a way of expressing my sadness. I first saw Christine as she was sleeping on a potato sack.  When she woke up I began feeding her crackers which was the first food she had eaten in 3 days.  She was inquisitive and clinging to her mommy. She loved my shiny bracelets and I gave her one.  I can't get the image of her peacefully resting on the ground out of my head.  She is probably buried in that sack now beneath the very ground she played on.

Baby Christine's family was recently sponsored and maybe, just maybe if we had gotten there 1 month earlier her life could have been saved.  I don't know the circumstances but now I only feel regret. Certainly God has a plan and Christine is in a better place.  There is a feeling I have that I am up against a 30 foot crumbling wall of poverty and my hands are just too small to clog all the tiny holes.  Little rocks are falling all around me and I am bracing for a crash.  

For now, another little pebble has fallen at my feet and I am so sad that I couldn't stop it.  Dear God please bring more help quickly so that little girls like Christine have a chance to know you and live a full life.  Amen.

In over my head

We have been at a place of calling out to God and asking him for clarity.  Perhaps you can understand the feeling of waiting on God.  His direction in our life is so necessary.  There are many things we desire to grasp in this lifetime but mostly we walk on a day to day basis looking for purpose and to join God where He is working.

My life has been spent caring for our children and being a housewife.  Almost 21 years now I have given all I have for my biological children. As God drew our family towards Africa, I found myself adopting hundreds of orphaned children and widows.  I told God many times that His calling on my life was too big; that I couldn’t possibly handle the burden.  And I was right.  When I see the faces of children so lost without parents, the women that are burdened with sexual abuse and the starving and ill people that we help I feel absolutely overwhelmed. So sometimes I wonder if the voice in my head is true… am I in over my head? 

This week we received a gift from some dear friends. When I heard about it, I stammered.  I said, “That’s not possible”.  I read and reread the email describing the gift. It wasn’t the amount given so much as it was the confirmation that God was telling me, “Melody, nothing is impossible with me.”  I find myself learning that God is asking me to trust Him in such a huge way in our ministry.  This week God used that gift to show me that He is trust-worthy. 

To that donor, I will thank you from the bottom of my heart for being God’s hands to us while we are the hands to the broken. Children will eat and smile, they will become hopeful but most of all they will know there is a God in heaven who hears their cries and THAT is priceless.  This is God’s burden for His people that we would care for the widow and the orphan.  I am often encouraged by Mother Theresa’s words of advice, “If you can’t feed a hundred people, then just feed one”.  So let us all be in over our heads!

Easter contrasts

Some days are just meant to bring a smile to your face.  Easter is one of them.  The sun was shining and the weather was perfect for the Easter Egg Hunts. There were many beautiful new babies at church today too.  I love to focus on the girls.  Those little hats and flowing dresses remind me of when my girls were small.  I dressed them in the cutest bonnets!  I even saved one of them that has ribbon weaved through it for a grand-baby someday.

This afternoon the clouds started rolling in and even now I can hear the wind howling outside my window.  It reminds me of the stark contrast of Easter in a third world country.  Of course Easter in Uganda is celebrated with great fervor but for the villages we work in, Easter is another day that is met with fear.  Fear of starvation.  Fear of rape.  Fear of death.  There are no ribbons and bows for the little girls in Mukono.  In fact, girls as young as 3 collect fire wood for boiling dirty water that is for cleaning, drinking and cooking.  These girls are naked from the waist down.  They have no shoes.  It is a picture that I can't shake.

Girls are so vulnerable; whether they are collecting water or farming or even walking to school if they have the opportunity these girls need protection.

Today you can bring hope to a little girl needing food, clean water and education.  Please sponsor a family with our organization so that Easter can be a day of focus on celebration and not fear.  You can contact me directly at melody@pahlow.com to find out how!

Edward is on my mind...

I have been pouring through the information and photos of 75 families in rural Uganda.  I am rewriting the stories and putting them into a format we can utilize for marketing.

Today I have seen and read about women who are prostitutes, children who are orphans, men who are crippled and mentally ill children too.  I have seen their downcast faces and empty bellies.  I have walked on the dusty ground they walked and in the scarce fields they plow by hand.  I have seen once again the hopelessness that has creeped into their very souls.

As I was typing these stories, I became hungry.  I began to eat a bowl of soup and was struck by the fact that I had left one of the photos on my desktop open.  It was then that I became supremely uncomfortable.  Tears began to pour from my eyes as I ate sustenance while those less fortunate stared at me.  Surely even now they haven't eaten in days.

Below is the picture I couldn't stop looking at.  This is Edward.  He hasn't stood or walked for 3 years.  His wife left him with 3 children and he has no way to provide for them.  His 16 year old son Godfrey standing next to him is trying to provide for the family through working in a neighbors field but it isn't enough for them. Godfrey has 2 younger sisters to protect.

M004 Mitaawana Edward 

If you have eaten today, thank God for his provision.  If you have extra, please consider giving to those who will surely die without something soon.  Sponsorship of a widow or orphan family is available now!  For $70 a month, a family can eat, go to school, purchase clothing and even start a business for sustainability.  To give go to www.africafamilyrescue.org OR contact me directly at melody.pahlow@gmail.com and I can forward you a biography of a needy family that you can choose personally.

Baby Peter is looking great!

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Wow--Look-at-this-picture-.html?soid=1104275316890&aid=VRS9kr87pn4

Dignity Needed

I have stopped and started this blog several times.  I have been so stunned at what I have seen that I can barely look at the photos.  I will be brief because the photos speak for themselves.  A few days ago I went into the village with a team from the United Kingdom and met some of the families that were nominated for sponsorship.  All of them are on the edge... a precipice.  In two of these situations the people hid out of shame.  They either ran away or literally hunkered down in their mud hut and hoped we would just ignore them even though we had life saving food.  I can't imagine the shame of living in such poor conditions that you don't even want to be seen in society.  It crushes me to know people hurt that way. 

Gertrude and her husband live in a shell of a home.  Most of it collapsed 2 days ago when the rainy season hit.  Gertrude's husband ran from us and left her standing in a smoke filled collapsed room with the smallest malnourished children I have ever seen.  They were filthy and their youngest is the size of a 3 month old but he is said to be 1 year and 3 months.  Their oldest, Gloria is 9 and she is barely the size of a 5 year old. 

At first Gertrude seemed very upset to have visitors.  I asked her what she had for breakfast and she told me potatoes.  I asked her what was for dinner and again she said shyly, "potatoes".  I asked her the last time they had eaten anything other than potatoes and she wouldn't answer. 

Gertrude is barely surviving in a smoke filled and collapsed house and her children sleep on soaking wet pieces of foam.

It is unimaginable how this family has survived.  The house has absolutely nothing of substance and the walls are literally falling down around them.

When I started giving Gertrude food like beans, beef, rice and tea... she smiled and wouldn't stop.  I know even now she is thinking that a miracle had happened. 

But this food will only last 2 weeks at most.  This family needs serious intervention.  Please consider sponsoring Gertrude and her family or any family in our program.  Uganda is facing a crisis of famine and anything you give will go directly to save lives, but most of all you can restore dignity to someone who doesn't even know what it is like to face society with confidence.

Another home we came to was locked and we stood nearby and took the picture above.  We couldn't believe how small the mud and stick house was.  We saw the rain water leaking through the roof.  All of us tried to imagine how terrible it must be to have 4 people living in a shelter that is about to collapse.  Just then, a neighbor came over and insisted that the head of the family, David, was inside.  We knocked again and again and begged him to open the door so that we could give him some food supplies.  Slowly the door cracked open and David crouched down in the back corner afraid to be seen.

I kept thinking that this family lives like animals.  They hide and try to just survive in the dark crevices of the earth because they have nothing else to do but to just LIVE.  I barely heard David breath a word.  He quietly accepted the food and I backed out of the house carefully. He was so ashamed it broke my heart.

I also met a family of orphans that had their mother die 2 years ago, their father die 1 year ago and then the lovely grandmother caring for them died 3 months ago.  I asked one of the boys what they were going to eat that night and he shut his eyes and looked away from me while whispering... "we have nothing to eat".  I gave them all they needed for 2 weeks.  These boys have been so desperate for food and school fees that they have learned how to make bricks.  They are desperately trying to provide for all 7 of them.  I admire their courage and strength in the face of so much loss.

I even had a chance to pray for an 85 year old man.  I asked him what he wanted and he said, "MORE LIFE".  Isn't that what all of these families want and deserve?  A full life: a life full of joy and full stomachs, an opportunity to work and provide for their family, a shelter from the rain and dignity.

If you want to sponsor a family with our organization, please don't hesitate.  The cost per month is $70 and you can give online at http://www.africafamilyrescue.org/

 

Couldn't sleep thinking about these kids (Graphic Images Below)

Yesterday we spent the day caring for some children at Mulago Hospital.  We had gone to visit Baby Peter who is still in Pediatric Intensive Care. 

3 year old baby Wilson

I was assaulted by images of dozens of children dying of AIDS, Sickle Cell Anemia, Tuberculosis, Malaria and malnourishment.  Everytime I go there I cry my heart out.  So many of these babies are in severe pain. I don't understand it.  I don't know how this world can be so cruel.  I especially don't know how these mothers endure the pain of watching their children die.

Baby Wilson is 3 years old and has AIDS, Tuberculosis, Herpes (contracted at birth) as well as being malnourished.  He is barely 12 pounds.  The wounds on his mouth are so severe that he can't eat.  They are feeding him through a tube hoping they can get the AIDS virus under control so that they can heal his other issues.  So far he has been in the hospital a month and I have not seen any improvement in all the time I have been there.  His mother is expected to care for him around the clock and sleeps on a cement slab beneath his crib.  He doesn't cry.  He doesn't open his eyes.  I keep praying for him and giving his mother financial support so that she can eat and keep her strength up.  Yesterday I saw his grandmother there as well.  She was putting gel on his lips and she looked up at me with such deep sorrow I burst into tears.  Why God?  Why must this little boy suffer?

There was a little girl being held by a nurses attendant and he looked exhausted.  He kept trying to stand her up but she kept collapsing because she was too weak.  She cried and sobbed and my maternal instincts kicked in. I picked her up and she melted into me.  I asked the man her name and he said, "Abadoned".  That was her name!  This approximately 4 year old girl had no name... none.  Someone had dropped her skeletal frame off in front of the clinic with a scorching fever.  She has no one in the world.  She has healed burns on her hands and head as well.  Only God knows what this girl has experienced in life.  It is locked away in her brain and she can't communicate the truth to anyone because she has no voice.  My heart is hurting just writing these words.

Nakalima, a mother who has been in the hospital 4 months with her daughter Iesha has taken to caring for this abandoned little girl.  She started calling her Esther.

Esther won't look anyone in the eyes.  She sees through people.  The trauma of her life is so severe that she refuses to connect to you in that way.  Her little body is refusing to be disappointed by watching someone else leave her.  There is so much sadness in her that I cried putting her down.  It is a tragedy and I was only able to leave her knowing that Nakalima is watching over her some.

But Nakalima has her own pain too.  Her daughter Iesha is 10 years old and is barely breathing.  She has Sickle Cell Anemia and AIDS.  She pants like a dog.  I am crying all over again thinking about her.  Iesha is not able to speak or walk.  She is only turned over 3 times a day and has bed sores all over her hips and back.  It hurts her to be moved. 

Iesha is on the small size of a 2 year old.  Her forward is dotted in sweat because her body is fighting so hard to stay alive.  I prayed for her and sang a little song. She looked in my eyes and I swear I could see an angel looking back at me. 

I can see that Nakalima is sick too.  AIDS is gripping her body while she cares for an orphan and her dying daughter.  I don't know how she survives.  We gave her some financial assistance as well.  She was so grateful that she smiled... but somehow her face looked unnatural smiling.  I think this woman has been through hell.

The highlight of my day was seeing Baby Peter.  He has gained weight (almost 2 whole pounds) and has been off oxygen for a whole week.  I cried tears of joy looking at his stomach.  I could hardly see his ribs anymore!  He has come a long way from the little sick baby we started treating.

Baby Peter smiles now.  He is starting to gain a little strength.  I was so relieved.  But there was some bad news that came to us when the doctor visited.  He said Peter's oxygen level had dropped significantly.  It seems that Baby Peter's body has built up an immunity to the 4 antibiotics he has been on to kill the Tuberculosis.  They put him back on oxygen and are switching up his meds to fight the disease harder.  Please pray for his body to continue to fight.  His mother Ruth is exhausted and we continue to support her as an organization.  Thank you to the donor who stepped up to sponsor this family! 

The other great news I had was seeing Erin.  A few weeks ago I prayed over her.  She was so ill and was being fed through a feeding tube for 3 months.  I prayed for her and honestly I have been wondering if she leave the hospital alive.  I saw her and her father and I am THRILLED to say God did heal her and she sang and danced for me.  She was so happy and normal!  I know she still needs to gain weight but what a blessing to see that she has survived. 

I ask you to pray for the children and mothers in Mulago Hospital.  I ask you to pray for the doctors and nurses who are often discouraged when they see these children pass away.  I ask you to pray for our protection against these disease as we are God's hands on them.  Above all, I ask for you to appreciate the health of your child and the opportunity to have medication to treat them.  In the words of Betty the nurse I met yesterday, "We try to thank God even when he gives or takes away".  I want to trust in a sovereign God who cares for these little ones.  But I have to tell you... I still don't understanding why God allows the suffering of innocent children.  But what I can say is that he sent me here, all the way from America to care for them.  He must love them very much.