Little Blessings

I really don’t know how to explain with my words what I have seen with my eyes today. I did not know that a person could grow mold on their body. It doesn’t seem possible until you have seen it with your own eyes. But without a doubt, today in the suburbs of Kampala, I saw a woman who was my age but looked 80 years old, weighing about 60 pounds, dying of AIDS and growing gray mold on her head, arms and chest. Nakature has been lying on a filthy mattress for almost 4 years. Her bed lies at the bottom of a hill so all the mud and rain flows right onto her. That was hard to see, but then I met her 12 year old daughter who told me she lights a candle each night to see if her mom is still alive. Then we found out… none of them had eaten in 3 days.

I sat down next to Nakature and stroked her arm and head. I gagged when they pulled back the sheet. I wish I didn’t do that. I felt so awful but it was my own body’s reaction to rotting flesh. And poor Nakature’s ear was nearly eaten off by flies. My legs began to shake as the shock set in. I left the mud room to try to pull myself together but didn’t find the mental strength to return. But before I left, I told her that when we are both in heaven we will run together in the fields. She said in her quiet voice, “Amen”. But maybe I won’t recognize her!

What do you say to a woman who will die either tomorrow or next week? All I could think of was to tell her not to worry about her children, which of course is ridiculous to suggest. Of course she will worry… that is what I would do. Ben was much more practical. He made someone run to a restaurant for food and he is trying to buy her a bed that will lift her off the floor and get her a blanket so she can die warm and out of the mud. After I left the room, Ben told me that Nakature insisted on praying for him! Imagine that… she was blessed to have a visitor and wanted to lift him up.

But what about the children? How will they survive? What will happen to her body? How can her 12 year old daughter bury her? How will her 20 year old daughter Grace, who is dying of AIDS as well, be taken care of? It is too much to think about.

On a happier note, I was also able to meet with Cece, another HIV mother. I guess she stands out to me because she is on ARV’s (antiretroviral meds) and is relatively healthy. Cece is blind because her husband beat her so severely. She and I spent a good while talking about life and how she turned over her future to God. She is amazing. I laughed when she told me she wanted my photo. She couldn’t even see it but it would be a physical reminder of my visit. I held up her hands to my face and I told her, “Memorize me!” She put her calloused hands over my cheeks and touched my eyes. Her fingers then traveled up my forehead and she exclaimed, “You have beautiful hair!” It was the highlight of my day. My new friend Cece

And that is truly the wonder of this land… they are blind with grief and sorrow but they can find beauty and joy from the smallest things, even in a visit from a stranger.

If you want to purchase a bed and blanket for Nakature and Grace (Cost is $200) or if you would like to help purchase a home for Cece (Cost is $1500), please email Ben at ben.pahlow@globalfamilyrescue.org

If I didn't feel this way....

I have experienced so much discomfort today. After talking to Lee and Jaimie I realized that we are all experiencing some physical symptoms of physiological trauma. Jaimie was feeling weak. Lee was feeling sick to his stomach. And I have been having digestive problems. My intestines have been trembling as if panic has set in. I also feel like I swallowed a tennis ball. I have cried more than 10 times today for no good reason and I am still on the verge now. I didn’t feel strong enough to get out of bed. I have had no appetite but I forced myself to eat around 6:00 p.m. My whole body is screaming out what my mind can not vocalize.

I felt so much guilt today; Guilt for drinking clean water, having a husband, never burying a child, having food, sleeping with a blanket, having electricity, and even bathing with soap. Everything I do represents affluence. I have so much…

The pain I am physically suffering is somewhat related to how afraid I feel that I can’t do enough. I am so terrified that I won’t be able to bring help here in time. I am very afraid that an innocent child will die if I don’t get my act together. I feel like the burden of Uganda is sitting on my stomach and I don’t have the strength to lift it up. I am really scared of failing.

This reminds me so much of what I first went through in Rwanda. I wanted so much to help and felt so afraid. And so, I once again need to trust these people to God and do my best. I certainly know that we are needed here and that is exactly the purpose of this trip. I am beginning to realize if I didn’t feel this way, than GFR shouldn’t be here.

How can one make a difference?

I took the day off today. We have spent the last 5 days in villages. Two days in the west and three days in the east. For the trip to the west, we left the kids in Kampala. I am so glad that we did because what we were about to see was more than I could handle.

We spent one day in travel and the other two in the field visiting impoverished orphans, widows and disabled families. I have seen a lot of difficult situations but I was completely unprepared for the amount of death that plagues West Uganda. I can’t tell you how many times I felt bile rise in the back of my throat as flies gathered around the severely ill Ugandans. I was appalled at the amount of family members who have died because of malaria, tuberculosis, skin infections and especially AIDS.

Right now I feel numb. I look at the photos of Jordan, a little boy infested with worms and I don’t feel anything. And Faustin, the 60 year old man with Elephantitis who I couldn’t even stand near without gagging (the flesh was rotting and infected with flies and maggots). I feel that he is one of thousands. How can one person like me even make a difference?

I have seen more than I can process. We have done what we can and given some money for food and clinic visits… but I feel personally undone. I want to run away and hide my eyes from this horrible reality. Even my dreams are haunted by children clawing at me for help. They are dying and my heart and mind explode with frustration as if it is too little too late. God help me…

I feel that I have been walking through a graveyard these last few days and as I recall the response of those who received some immediate assistance, I realize it isn’t gratefulness that I saw in those deep brown eyes… it was relief. I could see the fear they have been holding inside exhaled out of their bodies as the hope of our gift was placed into their hands… even if it was only temporary. I want to see more smiles, more hope, more peace! It will take the program to do this… and it needs to start soon before another child is lost.

A hard day

June 15, 2007

I don’t know what to say. I am stunned. The AIDS epidemic is catastrophic and reaches it killer roots down into the heart of Africa choking it until all breath is gone. No one is exempt. No family is untouched. And the mounds of red dirt covering the dead keep growing while the children left on earth starve and stoically wait their turn for death. It is a place of tears for me, but there are few East Ugandan’s who fully expose that deep seated grief. They expect to die. They can’t hope for more. It is too dangerous to assume there is a future. It is a tragedy beyond words.

We traveled for two days to East Uganda and visited orphans and widows affected by AIDS. It was a journey I will always remember. I have seen AIDS affect adults…but the faces of the orphaned children have seem a bit unclear until now.

I begin our visits for the day walking up a gravel road, hands behind my back and thinking about how beautiful it is here. I turn up a small path and see a lovely homestead. There is a cleared area for the compound and I can’t help but notice the beautiful shade tree and well-kept hut. There is also a young boy in torn clothing crushing some white cassava roots into flour. A tall boy emerges from the grass roofed hut, approaches me and brings me a hand crafted folding chair. I expect a mother to exit the hut to greet us. But that doesn’t happen. This clear eyed thin boy stands under the tree looking at me as if I have something to say. His face is blank, there is no emotion. He emits some kind of unspoken authority and as I wait for the interpreter I start noticing other boys joining our silent conversation.

I am confused. I am thinking where are the parents? Who is in charge here? Within minutes, the interpreter who speaks the tribal language of the area comes along side me and formally introduces Humphrey. He is the head of this home. There are 5 boys aged 3 to 15 years. This young boy stands in front of his brothers like a protector, straight faced and strong. He exhibits no surprise at my outburst of tears as I am told that his father died in November and his mother followed in March. He watched them die. He dragged them from the very hut I stand in front of, dug two holes and covered them with the dirt. The pastor points out the funeral sticks behind me. A make-shift funeral home is built before the burial. The mound is still fresh for the mother. A wooden-stick cross stands over it.

The only time I ever notice a glimpse of emotion from Humphrey is when his youngest sibling (who is very obviously sick) is whimpering and I watch him reach over to him, taking his brothers small hand and pulling him close to him. Perhaps Humphrey watched his mother nurture his brothers this way.

Humphrey’s life touched me deeply. It was so difficult for me to leave him there. I felt like I wanted to hold him like the child he is and care for him myself. And yet, there are SO many others in his village just like him. This is where GFR needs to be. These children and widows are dying from hunger, malaria and illnesses that can be treated.

Humphrey will be one of the first on our list of available families for sponsorship. But in the meanwhile, we gave him some shillings so he can feed his family and also take his youngest brother to the clinic. It is the start of something new in is life. Perhaps for the first time, he will rest easy knowing that he is not alone.

Guiding Principles

It is the middle of the night... 3:51 and I can't sleep. I woke up and thought, pray! Whenever Ben is gone, there is a feeling of fear that grips me at the strangest times. I wonder if there is a stranger lurking in the house and I quietly grab my phone... just in case. I can hear the sounds of the fans going in the kids rooms. My bare feet take me down carpeted stairs and I see a solitary light on at my familiar small desk. I sit down and reflect on all the work that has been accomplished in this tiny corner. Next to me are the etickets for Uganda. I am starting to feel nauseous from eating too many Hershey kisses last night or maybe I am just nervous about forgetting what I need as I prepare for a 2 month journey with 4 kids! But mostly, I am imagining the new faces that will cross this desk and there is a burden in my heart to get going.

As I have begun to investigate the country of Uganda, I am once again astonished at my lack of knowledge of international crisis. Uganda has been at war for years and is now beginning to rebuild. My heart is broken for the people that have suffered horribly through past political upheaval and torture. And I am so sad for the children that have been abducted and murdered. It is unbelievable that I have been so unaware of this tragedy.

I think that is why I am awake. I am sitting here typing about these unthinkable cruel acts man can do, and saying... the world must know. But are we willing to lay down our own agendas to take the time to care? If it was my child being threatened, I would certainly be motivated. But why? Why should ANY child be subjected to war and not have the opportunity to be rescued? And now that I look at the word rescue... I think... "Rescued from threat of abduction but not from starvation, malaria or AIDS?" Why is it okay for us to think, "I want peace", when there is so much more that each person deserves? Why should we save them from abduction today when they will starve tomorrow?

And so from my tiny desk in Illinois I continue on my quest to RESCUE... but beyond that... to give people the ability to start over and take care of their families by giving them the dignity of rescuing themselves.

Here is what our guiding principles are in expansion globally:

1. God's vision and direction
2. A sponsorship model that works with each individual culture.
3. Good control over the contributions and funds that are given to our organization.

The kids and I join Ben soon. I will keep you up to date!

I can barely type through my tears

Mukaraganda before GFR in 2003

I feel such profound sadness today. I found out that my dearest Mukaraganda is gone. Edissa is her "baptized" name.

Edissa... what can I say? I will miss you so much. You are the reason I came to Rwanda and you are the reason I stay. The tears I cry are mixed with emotions of profound sadness and joy. I know I will see you again and we will be able to speak openly of our experiences together. We will speak the same language and no barriers will stand between us. The first time I saw you I cried. I wept at the photo I saw of you all bones and no hope. I took you into my heart and determined to give you a better life. When I met you by surprise my first trip into the village, you honored me by calling me your hero. The last time I saw you was the first time I witnessed your smile. You were truly joyful and happy once again... your life was stolen from you in the genocide when your whole family was murdered.

Even your husband was taken. All you had left was a few sweet grandchildren. There seemed no end to your grief. Just as you were going to starve, we found you my sweetest Edissa and life began for you once again. OH SORROW... OH SADNESS that you didn't have long to enjoy your new life. But my only consolation is knowing that your grandchildren have a new future. They live on! They miss you so much but have a new guardian, their sponsor Denise White.

I make a promise to you Edissa... as long as I live your family will go on. They will live their life knowing that God rescued them and has a purpose for them. They will know that there is hope even after war and hunger. Thank you for giving me this opportunity Edissa. Thank you for giving me a purpose to go on. Thank you for driving an urgency into my mission... more must be helped before it is too late. I am so glad that you saw new hope. I will miss you Edissa. I will never forget you.

Here is an exerpt of a letter from Jeannette

who is the grandchild of Edissa which was written last week:

We would like to tell you to that you did great things for us, and now we are living alone. We don’t feel it so much because we have you, you are everything for me and for my brother. We are still living because of your generosity and love you had and you still have for us. We bought many things for us because of your support, we bought the materials for home, we have 2 sheep, and we received the Cow from Global Family Rescue. We tried to build the house with the money you are sending us (we need the cements, doors, windows and other materials to finish it properly).

Today I am trying to learn how to sew after knowing it; I will be able to organize my life in the future. That is why I need my own sewing machine. My brother is also learning how to drive, after getting the license for driving it will help him to find the job of driving.

We love you so much and we are still alright because we have you like our parents and guardian. Keep praying for us so that God will continue to help us. We would like to have wisdom from God so that we will be able to manage our life in coming days when the sponsorship will stop. And we are for sure that Global Family Rescue will continue to watch over us and advice us in everything we will do.

Sponsor a family today... Email Melody Pahlow at melody.pahlow@globalfamilyrescue.org

Here is a beautiful video!

This video clip was sent to me by Desiree Guzman, a Team Leader for one of our mission trips this summer. It is a beautiful representation of what Ben and I have believed for a long time.... when someone has a need, SHOW UP!

I love what Pastor Straton is doing in Rwanda. His philosophy regarding compassion is that we are responsible to be there for people in need, not only to send money or gifts. People need us to be present in their pain and see them up close. We are Christ's ambassadors and we have an opportunity to share the burden of the hurting!

Click on this link to hear Pastor Straton's heart felt story!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SUJOcRU-_w

A wonderful letter from Xaveline

Xaveline and her son Alphonse

I was so blown away by a recent letter we received from one of our sponsored families. Here is an exerpt from it:

Xaveline writes:

"You know, during the Christmas day, my children and I ate the meat , rice, vegetable and we bought some juice, I prepared myself the meal for my children. When we were eating, my son said "YOU KNOW MOMMY, THIS IS THE GREAT FEAST. NOW WE CAN REMEMBER JUST NOW OUR SPONSOR; WE ARE EATING THE GOOD MEAL BECAUSE OF THEM AND WITHOUT THEM WE COULD NOT FIND THE FOOD LIKE THIS ONE. MY DAUGHTER THEN ADDS THAT SHE IS BECOME FAT BECAUSE OF THE GOOD PEOPLE FROM USA.” They were so happy for intervention from you. I appreciate that and I know how much you are very important to us. Thank you for everything."

I want to send a personal thank you out to all of the donors that are changing the face of Rwanda. THANK YOU! You are answers to their prayers!

Kids make a difference

There are few things more inspiring then children making a difference in the world. GFR has experienced this several ways. Two young children we know donated their piggy bank money for shoes and a mattress for their families in Rwanda. They were motivated simply by the photos of their families.

Then Community Christian Church’s Kids City has single handedly donated over $6000 for 3 homes to be built for orphans in Rwanda. These are kids ages Kindergarten to Fifth Grade. It is something that I think we as adults need to aspire to be; to be generous with our pennies and quarters each week faithfully.

And again this week we had an opportunity to visit with a High School Youth Group from Harvest Baptist Church. Ben and I were able to speak during a retreat they were having. I have to say, it was a very good group. They were asked to pray out loud and the prayers I heard were so sincere and heartfelt. Their hearts were tender to the message of poverty in Rwanda. This group has something special. TRULY! I can’t wait to see how God uses them in the future. Good job Pastor Matt!

As a group, they decided to sponsor an orphan family in Rwanda. I know that these orphans who are the same age as the high-schoolers and are without a home or piece of land will be blessed to know that their own peers are caring for them as guardians. WOW! What a powerful message of hope.

We were glad to be a part of motivating this great group of high-schoolers. I can’t wait to see them again!

Need to get away????

I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming summer trips to Rwanda. We just got a newsletter out talking about the opportunity. Somehow I can't seem to find the words about how invaluable this trip is!

I did an interview with Pam Haines about her experience last year. And I have many conversations with the other people who came. There is just something lost in the translation when I try to write about it!

Pam Haines couldn't explain her "family interview" experience. She told me she had expected to hear the sponsored families talking about what they bought, etc. But what she heard was far more than that. One woman said that she literally could not go out into society because she was naked. The dear woman teared up as she said she was grateful that she could be in community with others now. It was such a basic and elementary thing, and yet she was robbed of it for so long. Pam can't get the woman's facial expression out of her head. There are just no words to describe it.

Beyond family interviews, there is building houses, visiting families, helping in clinics, prayer and Bible lessons. But the most amazing part of most people's experience comes from our staff. We have such a wonderful group of people working with us in Rwanda. They make everyone feel so loved and comfortable. They teach us about forgiveness and generosity... through their very own experiences! We learn about Rwanda through the people who we work with... and there is SO much hope for Rwanda!!

Our families are committing themselves to giving to others who are needy, our staff have forgiven those who have taken so much from them and we get to participate in helping them help their country.

If you are considering coming with us to Rwanda and experiencing all this in person, please contact Ben at ben.pahlow@globalfamilyrescue.org You will come back a changed person emotionally and spiritually! If you "need to get away"... here is your chance!

We have still have some openings on these dates: June 1 -8, June 12-27, June 15-23, June 28-July 6, July 10- August 3 (3 week trip), and July 24-August 3 (Dates are subject to change by a day or two)!