I have experienced so much discomfort today. After talking to Lee and Jaimie I realized that we are all experiencing some physical symptoms of physiological trauma. Jaimie was feeling weak. Lee was feeling sick to his stomach. And I have been having digestive problems. My intestines have been trembling as if panic has set in. I also feel like I swallowed a tennis ball. I have cried more than 10 times today for no good reason and I am still on the verge now. I didn’t feel strong enough to get out of bed. I have had no appetite but I forced myself to eat around 6:00 p.m. My whole body is screaming out what my mind can not vocalize.
I felt so much guilt today; Guilt for drinking clean water, having a husband, never burying a child, having food, sleeping with a blanket, having electricity, and even bathing with soap. Everything I do represents affluence. I have so much…
The pain I am physically suffering is somewhat related to how afraid I feel that I can’t do enough. I am so terrified that I won’t be able to bring help here in time. I am very afraid that an innocent child will die if I don’t get my act together. I feel like the burden of Uganda is sitting on my stomach and I don’t have the strength to lift it up. I am really scared of failing.
This reminds me so much of what I first went through in Rwanda. I wanted so much to help and felt so afraid. And so, I once again need to trust these people to God and do my best. I certainly know that we are needed here and that is exactly the purpose of this trip. I am beginning to realize if I didn’t feel this way, than GFR shouldn’t be here.
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