Bon Voyage

Hi everyone. This is Ruth Gaa coming to you on behalf of Ben & Melody. I dropped the Pahlow family off at O'Hare Airport a few hours ago. As I write this they should be up in the wild blue yonder on the first leg of their trip. I will let Melody fill you in on the details of their excellent adventure at the airport and when they get to London for the first stop over....on to Nairobi.....
and finally Kigali Rwanda. Just thought you might like to see the family and all their luggage just before we loaded everything up.

Stay tuned for more to come...get ready for a summer filled with Melody's tales from abroad. We will all laugh with her, cry with her, pray with her and more........

God bless you all! - Ruth

My head says, "Are you kidding me"?

The count down is over. The day has arrived at last and we will be on our way tomorrow. Honestly, I am relieved. It has been dragging on for months now and the moment is finally here.

I can't tell you how many people have asked me or one of the kids the question, "Are you excited?" I don't know what to think of that question. Actually, I don't know how to respond to it. Excited? I wouldn't say that exactly. I would probably say resigned. I know that may seem unspiritual... but it is absolutely the truth. Let me explain;

I have spent 9 months preparing myself for the event. I have been to Rwanda and experienced sadness beyond my wildest imagination, felt extreme empathy that turned into self-focus, craved cheese that oozed off pizza, spent hours contemplating home under a mosquito net and closed my mouth in the shower to avoid bacterial infections. I have also spent hours arguing with politicians over care of the villagers (without seeming argumentive), I have driven 6 hours each day in a hot car filled with humans to reach the families, we spend hours on email keeping open communication between Rwanda and the states. We even host people in Rwanda and bring them along to experience poverty and trauma and then debrief them as I am debriefing myself.

I have done all this, WITHOUT kids. Therein lies the struggle. Let me just put this plainly. This is not a vacation. This is work, hard work. Heart and gut wrenching. It is something I can't say I WANT to do. I used to feel guilty for that. I don't anymore.

Lets face it... who would want to drop everything cushy in America to step into a third world country and be forced to live without Jewel/Osco, clean water, air conditioning, television, electricity, speedy internet, fast food or maybe even just freedom to travel! I haven't driven yet in Kigali. That is another huge problem. I want to go wherever I want to, whenever I want to and the bottomline is that it is not possible there. I don't know what is safe yet. I don't know how to get to a store. I am totally at the mercy of others... not my favorite place to be.

So, am I excited? No. What I do feel is some sort of agreement with God. I know that when I get there, these thoughts fade. I see the people and my own life and my feelings of self-importance shrink. There are moments I will struggle with a lack of freedom or frustration over having no hot water if the electricity goes out. But I am looking forward to getting to the place of appreciation I loose here at home. Gratitude is something that is hard to come by unless you are without. It is really odd to have all these thoughts and yet realize that they won't matter one ounce in 2 weeks. It all makes sense when we are there. It doesn't make any sense here.

I guess that is the strange thing about missions. It isn't logical. It isn't something tangible that I can explain. It isn't comfortable -- but I do it anyway. You know what, I think maybe I do want to go. There is something that draws me there. My heart is doing battle with my mind. My heart says, "Yes" and my head says, "Are you kidding me"? ....Tomorrow.... my heart will win the battle.

What does peace look like?

There are certain things that bring me comfort; the sound of my daughter's sleeping music floating up through the air vents, the sterility of a clean house, my children laughing hysterically at Tom Hanks monologue with Shelly Long in the movie "Money Pit". I can hear it now, Walter is in the floor of the den crying out... "I am so glad you are here! I have been here so long I have been halucinating! For a minute there I thought I saw the Care Bears... and then farm animals..." The kids rewind it over and over and laugh until they cry. But, I also find comfort in being with my small group at church, and getting emails from friends that just say "hi". However today I found comfort in something very unexpected. Almost strange!

Did you get an opportunity to watch American Inventor on ABC? I haven't watched the series. Amber has been keeping me up to date on the inventions and what seemed promising. Tonight I watched the finale and honestly, I cried. I feel strangely connected, as I suspect many Americans do, with Janusz Liberkowski. Janusz (pronounced Ya-noosh) is a Polish immigrant who lost his oldest daughter in a car crash because of a faulty car seat. He developed a new type of seat to protect other children. What so struck me with this man was his ease and manner of being. He seemed a truly happy person who was grateful for the opportunity, of course, but more than that, he seemed content. I have never seen a man who looked so close to tears of sadness and yet deep seated joy lurked in those smiling blue eyes as well. I realize now what it is that drew me to Janusz... it was his similarity to the people of Rwanda. I felt comforted by witnessing his life and vision, because it is the same triumph that is unfolding each day in Byumba Province, Rwanda!

Each time I am close to the people we serve there, I see both sadness and joy. It is more profound then what I understand in my life. Afterall I have seen, I admit that I spend more time thinking about clothing, malls and food than even my God who provided it all. And yet, the simple truth is that there is so much happiness in things deeper than our American materialism, goals for success and endless searches for "something more than this". When even in the depths of despair through loss of family, prostitution, homelessness, impending death from AIDS as a result of rape... the sadness that lingers in the eyes of our families can not be hidden from me. And also, joy embraces me from the same pair of yellowed eyes! They are content to eat and live free from worry about tomorrows harvest or famine... they are building lives of wholeness; spiritually, physically and mentally. And really, I can not relate to that! But I can feel some inkling of it... yes, I feel it in the core of my heart. I will never know those sorrows they have, but I can watch them transcend all of it to be someone who knows peace through poverty and provision.

My heart is full tonight. It is as close as I can be to Rwanda now. They are so far away but they feel so close in my spirit. And so, my comforter tonight came in the form of a peaceful and humble Polish man named Janusz. Thank you for reminding me that there is a way to overcome pain... thank you for showing me the face of contentment.

How is the United State?

Today I am very aware of my heart pounding hard and fast in my chest. It makes my head feel dizzy. The tears I have shed this morning I have not wiped from my face and it stings my skin. The only way I can describe my feeling is joy. The joy of building and hard work become a wall of accomplishment and I somehow feel relieved. I have always struggled with the burden of insisting on results. It is part of my nature. There are few things more rewarding then knowing the families I love so dearly are well and happy. I am also so deeply proud of the donors who never fail to support their families across the ocean. There is a shocking reaction we are experiencing in Rwanda. It is the thought that Christ followers care for those they haven't seen or met. It is the resounding message that I hear in the letters from the bush. "Who are these people that care for me and rescued me?" I am breathing in deeply and I feel a flood of fresh tears about to fall as I read some new letters that have arrived from Rwanda today from the sponsored families to their U.S. Donor. Here are just a few paragraphs from them...



From: Olive 0001
To: Anna Ricci


"Its a great joy to send this message for greeting you. With all our heart thank you so much for what you have done for us orphans. We hadn’t somebody to look after us and our lives were in danger. After getting your sponsorship every thing has changed in us. That is why this letter is for thanking you and to tell you that you have done great things. God bless you for that good action.

Dear Ricci how is your family? As orphans here in Rwanda, we ask ourselves many questions how somebody can help the people that even he doesn’t know. What kind of love!? We are not familiar with that generosity here in our country. We are sure that God alone will reward you. "


From: Frodourad 0007
To: David Ta Wei King

"This is the great moment for us to have this opportunity to send you a message, so as to thank you so much for what you have done for my family and me. Your sponsorship reaches us regularly and orderly. It has transformed our lives. Before we were about to die, but now there is the improvement in everything. We are eating well, dressing well and buying whatever we need. I tell you with all my heart that what you have done is beyond our thinking. "




From: Jean 00018
To: Brian and Sharie Behnke

"We are happy to send this letter to greet you and to tell you that your sponsorship reaches to us regularly and orderly. From it we bought many things and we are now in good situations. Our lives have been improved so much. We are no longer the poorest; on the contrary, we are now satisfying our needs day after day. We thank you for it.

My family and I are in good health (even though I am handicap for long time). We are enjoying what you have done for us. We are now in rainy season, and we are planting different seeds. As you can imagine, your support is great for us. We have used it for buying many items we needed. In our family every thing is new. We thank God for that.

My wife and I with our son and daughter love you so much, when we are together, and think about your generosity to us, we cannot understand how we were before and how we are today. There is a big difference. We say: God performed the miracles for us. Sincerely it is true, before we have nothing, but now we have many things. Finally, my family and I wish you the goodness from our Lord Jesus. "


From: Andre 00014
To: Providence

"I am pleased to have this time to write this letter for greeting you with all my family and to thank you for your aid. We tell you the truth, it was terrible at home. We had nothing, but today, we are eating well, dressing well and get every thing we need. If you should come and see what we have done from your sponsorship; you cannot imagine! It is great! So we thank you so much for your generosity to help some body like me who was nothing.

Now our lives have changed so much, there is improvement in every thing. You have done many things for us. For finishing my message, I wish you the happiness from our Lord Jesus. God bless you in your entire project and in all things you do. "


From: Alphonse 00033
To: Sarah Condiff

"How are you today? For us we are fine and the purpose of this letter is to thank you for your sponsorship that has many things in our lives. We have been transformed by your help, now we can eat, dress, get the medicines and so on…it has been a miracle for us. We thank God for your support.

The children are: Tuyishhimire Mary Rose with 8 years old, Maniraguha who is 5 years old and Merika who is 1 year old.

My family and I think always about you because of your generosity to us, we cannot forget you. We imagine how you love the persons you don’t know. The heart you have is the heart of a real Christian. God continue to be with you. "


From: Donatien 00011
To: Michael Strominger

"My family and I are pleased to send this message greeting warmly and thank you so much for your sponsorship. We receive it regularly and it has changed our living. Without it our condition of life was miserable. We thank you so much for you help.


My family and I love you so much, we were very poor but now we are buying whatever we want. It means that we depend on you. Now we are eating well and dressing well we are now beautiful because of you.

How is United State? For us we are fine and we are thanking God for what God is doing in our lives. My children are studying well they have uniforms and all school materials. It is great for me.

I think that God will continue to bless me through you. I was about to die but now I am well. I cannot express how your sponsorship has been very important to us."


...And now I ask you... How is the United State? :) Ben & I have such deep affection for the people that are supporting this mission! You are transforming the world, one family at a time! Praise God for all of your love and sacrifices... you are deeply loved, by Ben & I, God and over 1,000 people that know there is a God after all!

Is it possible to be homesick while you are still home?

Is it possible to be homesick while you are still home? I feel melancholy at the thought of leaving home. It is all really happening! We are very close to completing our financial goal, and it eerie because I somehow thought perhaps it wouldn't happen! But I have been writing a list for three weeks now of things we need to accomplish before leaving the U.S. anyway, and it keeps growing. Ben and I worked on it together today and decided we needed to break it down in weekly chunks to accomplish it all (5 weeks to go). How do people do this?? I have never heard missionaries complain about how much preparation goes into leaving or coming home! I certainly won't be the first one right? Or will I?

I am contemplating all of the comforts I will miss sorely. Particularly my bed. It is so warm and comforting with a huge blanket. I love to spread out on it for a nap with all three of the dogs cuddling close to me. That reminds me, I will miss my dogs. I can't believe I am saying that! Those animals have been such a trial at times... peeing on the carpet, barking at every noise outside, running out the door, stealing each others food... it is like having 7 children and not 4! I will also miss my beautiful yellow daylilies blooming in June. And of course I will miss church. Going there on Sunday is like a homecoming of sorts. I just simply belong there. I will definitely miss fast food, Jewel, Target, Culver's Carmel Pecan Sundaes, CHEESE, my quick internet service, and maybe even more basic than that, dependable hot clean water and electricity. But I will especially miss being with my small group. I feel like I am going away permanently somehow... I know I am being overdramatic! You may be saying, "Melody, it is only 3 months!" Ahhh! That is the truth. But, when has the truth ever mattered when it came to my emotional outbursts??

Today I also looked at a very powerful website that my friend Kathy sent to me. There are several genocide memorials in Rwanda that I have not had an opportunity to see in person. I have seen one in the capital city of Kigali, and that one reminds me of a Westernized museum. There are photos and stories in these other memorials that are so difficult to look at, and yet, I feel compelled again to look at the reality of the country I love so dearly. I warn you that it is very graphic, but if you are interested in seeing the truth for yourself, go to http://www.museum.gov.rw/index.htm

So! I am putting together a list of what we need in Rwanda. We are setting up a house in a foreign country and there is nothing but a few beds and a table with 6 chairs. I have never done this before and we are supposed to squeeze everything in 12 suitcases! We are also going to squeeze 45 extra people in the home during the two "mission trips". Please pray for all of the people coming and my sanity! I am including the immediate needs list below. If you feel interested in helping provide any of these items, please feel free to email me at melody.pahlow@globalfamilyrescue.org I can give you a more accurate update as to what we are still looking for!

Immediate Needs List

Kraft mac and cheese, Ramen noodle packs (chicken or beef), chocolate, Chef Boy 'R" D pizza mix, hot cocoa mix, chocolate chips
Liquid Amoxcycillin unmixed (4 just in case)
Malaria medication (3 months worth for 6 people)
Ibuprofen (liquid and pill), Tylenol (liquid and pill), Chewable Pepcid AC, Claritin, Sudafed, Immodium AD, Nyquil
Kotex Pads and Tampons for 2 women for 3 months
Hair gel, John Freida anti frizz treatment, shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion
BUG SPRAY and mosquito coils
Sun screen
Light weight blankets, pillows (for 6 people) and sheets - One king and two queen beds
Four bathroom rugs
Timers for lights in our U.S. home
8 HUGE suitcases
12 bath towels, kitchen rags and towels
Lighter
Flashlights and batteries
Paperback books - mystery, romance and historical fiction
Containers for sugar, flour, etc (NO ROACHES PLEASE GOD!)
Zip Lock Bags - All sizes
Seasonings - seasoned salt, onion and garlic powder, basics PLUS vanilla!
Summer education workbooks for children coming into 3rd, 5th, 7th and freshman years
Generator for House (would be nice!)
3 Laptops for Rwandan Staff
Nintendo DS games (used is fine!)
XB 360 games (I don't know if our boys will EVER get away from technology too much!)used is fine!

Trip Fundraising Update-April 26, 2006

Mourning in Rwanda

Two days ago in Rwanda, the government called on the people of Rwanda to mourn. It has been 12 years from April 7th that the genocide began in the lush country in Africa. The green ivy climbs the eucalyptus trees, the early morning fog rises into the mountains, the dew on the thick grass covers each blade, the flowers burst with every color in the rainbow and the blood runs under it all.

Hidden in mass graves across the countryside lie the bodies of a million people. No bones have ever been identified. You must assume that if no one has come back home by now, they were slaughtered by an old hoe or machete. Perhaps you never know the truth of your father's demise. But certainly, with the missing, there is a certainty of something awful. You can only imagine the worst case scenario and your mind reels with what you witnessed in secret while you hid in the bushes, waiting for them to find you next.

There is great mourning over this small country now. The hospital is filled with people in great physical pain and no other symptoms. The pain is grief. It is palpable. There is a loss there of exceeding proportion and no one can bring back the innocence of life before hell came to earth in 1994.

My heart is broken as one particular man comes into mind. We spoke today with Travis who is the Director of GFR in Rwanda. He is also the spiritual director as well. He has been developing a deep connection with Cyprien who is our accountant and small business developer. Cyprien lost everyone in his family. That word "lost" seems so inappropriate here. 200 of his nearest family, cousins, aunts, grandparents, friends and school mates were "stolen" from him. He managed to survive by escaping the country in an exodus. There he met his now-wife Claudette. They have started over together. However, he has never
shed a tear over any of this tragedy. He has been in shock for many years. 12 of them. Yesterday, as Travis talked with him, he broke down sobbing and finally released some of the pain he has been holding inside. He told his new white friend through his pouring tears, "I didn't know that a white man could ever cry over my loss and care for me. I saw all of the white men leaving us with their dogs when the war began. We were being abandoned."

I shed tears for him tonight, wishing I could hold him in my arms. We left... we all left them. And now I have an opportunity to show him we will stay! If you knew Cyprien, as some of us do... you would know how deeply loving he is. There is never a time he is not laughing or smiling. He is dear to me... and how much more important is he to Christ? I never want to leave these people - God help me never leave them. Cyprien wrote his testimony for us to put on our website. As soon as we are able, we will post it. I know you will be inspired!

If you are looking for more inspiration, there is a new book I highly recommend regarding finding God and forgiveness through the pain of the genocide by Immaculee Ilibagiza called Left to Tell. During this week of mourning, take the time to familiarize yourself with the holocaust in Rwanda in honor of the 1 million children, mothers, fathers and friends that are now gone.

How much chocolate should I bring to Rwanda?

Is it wrong to be wondering how much concealer I will need to bring to Rwanda for three months? I mean... isn't that somewhat vain? I also have found myself thinking about how much room brownie mix takes up in a suitcase in comparison to shoes for 6 people. What about three months of clothes and everything else I am used to having? This is not going to be some quick trip where we can make due until we return. It is THREE months!

All of the sudden I am forced to be thinking of bringing the bare necessities. This is NOT easy for someone as spoiled as myself. If it came down to bringing three pairs of shoes for me or a bag of chocolate chips, which would I choose!?! This is terrible! What will I bring in 12 bags that will sustain us for 90 days?? I think chocolate is going to be out of the question somehow, too messy. But perhaps Macaroni and Cheese?? Is there any way to bring cheese??

I feel so selfish. I really do. What in the world am I doing moving to Rwanda??? Even if it is short term. Have I lost my mind?? I have heard about other missionaries who "sold everything" and moved without even the struggle to hold on to worldly things. But that is not the case with me. I am really struggling with not having "stuff". What if I need new jeans? Do I have to let my friends here know that I wear American Eagle Brand Size 8 Hipster Flares?? And to put a rush on it!? What if I run out of mousse? African people don't use mousse! What about shopping? And I don't mean groceries! What if I get the urge to do that?! Missionaries don't mall hop, do they? There wouldn't be one of those anyway. And movies, I am going to miss "Pirates of the Carribean II" which opens in July! Holy cow, these thoughts are getting out of control.

Well, the fact is I am begining to see all of the "losses" I may experience. But as I sit here and begin to list all of the things I hold dear, there is a part of me that sees the futility in it. What does it matter if I can see all the movies I want and eat all the chocolate too and never have the opportunity to give food to a starving child? What about the fact that the families we serve are right now growing crops that they never dreamed would be theirs because they have purchased land and were literally bought out of slavery! That really puts things into perspective. Am I willing to look less at myself and what I wear and my own entertainment? Yes. Sometimes grudgingly... but it is never difficult when I am staring into the eyes of the sick, poor and destitute. Perhaps it is living here in the land of plenty that I so easily loose my focus on the people that have nothing to offer to me except their smiles and hugs.

So perhaps today what I need to ask for is not how much concealer to bring or another trip to the mall or even another pair of jeans, but rather a deep look into the eyes of those I serve so that my own perspective of reality is not marred by my geographical placement. Help me God to see them more vividly then my own reality so that I can be more willing to let go of my expectations of comfort and yet maintain Your humor of my own indulgent nature!

We are slowly reaching our trip
fund goals! Can you help? We leave
May 31st...

Dedicated to the Memory of..

There is something to silence, isn't there? When the night closes in on us and we pull the covers over our head. The dark quiet brings all the thoughts of the day to a climax. Things that you put off... looming in the subconscious. Things that you are afraid of and things you wish weren't so. But then there are also the visions of goodness that you want to remember. Memories to hold on to. The touches that have been felt on the skin. And the reminders of the next days chores.

There is nothing more sincere than life after someone close to you dies. It seems all of the chores, struggles, and worries loose meaning. What is it that matters? Whether or not the bills will be paid or if we will ever seen the end of this flu season seems to be an ill conceived reflection. The beginning of an activity seems to be more meaningful than the end of one. And we wonder if God has allowed death so that we could more fully embrace life.

Someone I know, who just emailed me two days ago, is now with God. My thoughts race as I try to comprehend the value of that comment. I have traveled from one continent to another in 24 hours and seen with my own eyes what the real world lives like. The home I know is not the norm, and womanhood is far from the opportune environment of the United States. Everything changes when I go that far... even the food seems totally foreign. Milk seems thin, potatoes seem dense and chicken, well let me just say that Purdue needs to have a farm in Rwanda. But bottom line, that is going from one continent to another. What of the distance between earth and heaven?

In a moment we are transported before the presence of God. And there are indications of the embrace of His warmth and finding true serenity. But it seems to me that I am lost in the depth of the change. It seems too much too fast. While the one gone has found peace, those remaining are left to consider the changes and the world that will never be the same. There is something I have lost and can not recover it. My heart seems distant from itself. Yesterday I was crying at the opportunity to make cookie dough with my husband, and today I am numb at the opening of a new day. Why should I have opportunities? Why must life go on for the rest of the world? Can't we all just stop and consider one life gone?

But the world stops for nothing. It keeps moving, growing and spinning incessantly. There are spring flowers that my friend will never see. And yet I wonder, what does he see that I can not? Perhaps his wish is that we can see what he does now. And indeed there will come that time. But now there must be a time for grieving... and it feels sad to me that the rest of the world doesn't know what beauty has now left us. My friend was tender, generous, smiling and loving. We will miss him, but more than that, it is the world's loss I speak of. A man as good as he... will we ever stop missing his kindness and spirit?

My work today is dedicated to his memory.

I keep feeling the needle mommy!

Pahlow family hours after their shots

Yesteray we spent all morning in the travel clinic getting immunized for Rwanda. Yellow fever, meningitis, typhoid, hepatitis A and B, tetnus... names I have become familiar with! I personally have no problems with shots at all but it wasn't always that way! I remember as a child I ran running down the white doctor's office corridor in my pink underwear and into the lobby screaming, "No! No! Jesus, please come back now!" Well, that was the only way I could see me getting out of the situation... the rapture! That was 30 years ago now, when they used to take the side of a square razor to prick your finger at
every visit. Maybe that was a way of finding basic problems like diabetes or anemia. Who knows? All I knew was that the very thing my mother told me NEVER to touch (my father's shaving blade) was now being pressed into my small finger! It really didn't make any sense at all!

And today I see that my kids have different personalities and therefore extremely different ways of responding to the nightmare of needles piercing the boundary of skin and muscle. Amber the oldest seemed stoic. She was terrified, I knew. But she was going to put on a brave face for her youngest sister. I know she doesn't feel well when her face begins to flush. Amber was pale and yet pink cheeked the entire day. Even her teacher later asked her, "Amber, are you about to faint"? Nate, our oldest son, is positively giddy about receiving shots. He loves them. He would rather have a shot then swallow pills! He was actually sick with a sinus infection when we were at the clinic. He didn't flinch one bit. He also begged me to let him watch everyone else have their shots. Maybe he should be a surgeon or something! Mike, our 10 year old, was nervous and held my hand during the whole thing. His hand began to sweat inside of mine while he looked at the one inch needle on four shots with his name on it. He was brave and flinched some... but not much.

Now Hope on the other hand is just the biggest drama queen that ever existed (besides me of course)! I was reminded of the story I wrote earlier when she began to scream so loud the whole building shook. Ben had to hold her in a chair while the nurse SLOWLY prepared each shot. It was a nightmare. Couldn't this lady go any faster??? For crying out loud, it sounded like we were trying to kill the poor child. She was the first to get her shots, and every child in the building was terrified by her bellowing! It finally ended and Ben had a tear roll down his cheek. He is of the same nature as Hope; shots are a tool of the devil! He had to get one as well.

Pahlow Trip Fund Goal Update March 10th, 2005

And now, we are finished with that part of the process. And $1400.00 later, we are at least physically ready for the trip. It is hard to believe that missionaries can actually afford these expenses. Of course, most of them have churches that support them and pay for these things. But I can't help but feel so proud of the fact that we have supporters that are from many different denominations, even atheists! God is doing something so amazing through us and now our children are ready to be a part of it too!

A mother and a missionary - March 7, 2006

There are days like today that someone else might look at my life and think, "She has definitely lost her mind." I mean really, what else is there to say? I have four children between the ages of 8 and 13, I am a cofounder and project director of an international organization, I have gum disease which the dentist treated today (which is just gross!). I frequently sleep in the afternoon before I pass out of exhaustion because I receive emails and calls from staff people thousands of miles away that require immediate attention, I have to figure out how to squeeze in science projects and sleepovers, and I must prepare for the 18 shots that my family has to endure on Thursday (my mind is reeling at the screaming about to ensue). I guess lots of moms can relate to busyness. Mine often relates to things that are outside of Romeoville, Illinois. I have asked myself a million times, "How in the world did I end up here"?

I was talking to a friend today and I was reminded of the fact that I had four children at fairly young age. I was 22 when Amber arrived and the three others came before I was 27. It is amazing that I survived so many years without sleep. I sometimes joke that perhaps my afternoon dozing is a result of years of catch up. But as I thought of that, I realized that certainly those hard times prepared me for our work now. The responsibility of caring for over a thousand souls and then connecting them to the people who assist them financially in the states is daunting to say the least. But truly, is it any different then being 8 months pregnant and having two children sick with chicken pox and high fevers who is wife to a husband working two jobs to support us? Probably not that much.

The truth is, I don't know what is more overwhelming. However, I know I have to somehow become capable of being more balanced at home and in the mission field. My son cried yesterday saying he was fearful of not passing the sixth grade and reaching his life long dream of becoming a video game creator. And then, yesterday night I received an email from our staff that 3 people died waiting for sponsorship. A blow beyond my comprehension. What requires more concern?

There is nothing as important to me as wrapping my arms around my boy and soothing him. But there is also the call of my heart to be urgent in Rwanda. Lives hang in the balance each day. But my son is here and I must not forget that his heart hangs in the balance as well.

Mom and missionary... a flexing position indeed!