There is something to silence, isn't there? When the night closes in on us and we pull the covers over our head. The dark quiet brings all the thoughts of the day to a climax. Things that you put off... looming in the subconscious. Things that you are afraid of and things you wish weren't so. But then there are also the visions of goodness that you want to remember. Memories to hold on to. The touches that have been felt on the skin. And the reminders of the next days chores.
There is nothing more sincere than life after someone close to you dies. It seems all of the chores, struggles, and worries loose meaning. What is it that matters? Whether or not the bills will be paid or if we will ever seen the end of this flu season seems to be an ill conceived reflection. The beginning of an activity seems to be more meaningful than the end of one. And we wonder if God has allowed death so that we could more fully embrace life.
Someone I know, who just emailed me two days ago, is now with God. My thoughts race as I try to comprehend the value of that comment. I have traveled from one continent to another in 24 hours and seen with my own eyes what the real world lives like. The home I know is not the norm, and womanhood is far from the opportune environment of the United States. Everything changes when I go that far... even the food seems totally foreign. Milk seems thin, potatoes seem dense and chicken, well let me just say that Purdue needs to have a farm in Rwanda. But bottom line, that is going from one continent to another. What of the distance between earth and heaven?
In a moment we are transported before the presence of God. And there are indications of the embrace of His warmth and finding true serenity. But it seems to me that I am lost in the depth of the change. It seems too much too fast. While the one gone has found peace, those remaining are left to consider the changes and the world that will never be the same. There is something I have lost and can not recover it. My heart seems distant from itself. Yesterday I was crying at the opportunity to make cookie dough with my husband, and today I am numb at the opening of a new day. Why should I have opportunities? Why must life go on for the rest of the world? Can't we all just stop and consider one life gone?
But the world stops for nothing. It keeps moving, growing and spinning incessantly. There are spring flowers that my friend will never see. And yet I wonder, what does he see that I can not? Perhaps his wish is that we can see what he does now. And indeed there will come that time. But now there must be a time for grieving... and it feels sad to me that the rest of the world doesn't know what beauty has now left us. My friend was tender, generous, smiling and loving. We will miss him, but more than that, it is the world's loss I speak of. A man as good as he... will we ever stop missing his kindness and spirit?
My work today is dedicated to his memory.
