Fear

I had a busy day... but I can't say I accomplished a thing. I hate that! I worked all day and then found myself looking at some of the journaling I did from our Somali Bantu refugee visits. I can't believe we did that as a family. 21 people in our house for 3 weeks. WHEW!

I guess I feel that way about a lot of things in my life. I don't know how I was able to handle certain events or challenges other than the grace of God. This newest happening, Ben's heart attack, has taken a lot from me emotionally. I can't say how often I think of him collapsed in his car, gasping for air, or whispering "Goodbye". It is a fear that every person feels; the loss of someone close. And the fear seems to overtake me particularly in the dark of night. Sometimes I count his breaths. Sometimes I play with his hair. I have even laid my hands on his back in silent prayers for stronger arteries.

Apparently I am not the only one who has it in the front of their mind. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling well and I got on the floor to pick something up and felt too weak to get up. I asked Nathan to come over and help me. His face was instantly showing signs of horror... "Mom!" He quickly said, "Are you having a heart attack"? Even though it has been more than a month... we are scarred by the memories. I have been eating terribly in an attempt to "feel" better. Which is exactly what Ben is NOT supposed to do. He is doing well with the diet. He starts his rehab with exercise this week. He even started a second job last week to help pay some bills. Meanwhile, I am turning to chocolate to try to quell the feelings of fear.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. God knows how grateful I am... we were just so close to loosing him. Some how I look at us as totally mortal now. Anything could happen. But that is only my fears taking over. God did not give me a spirit of fear!

Whatever the battles that we have faced before have certainly given us faith muscles to flex. But I am tired of flexing today. I just need rest, spiritually and emotionally. I don't want my imagination to run wild... I want to just be in the moment.

World Bazaar At Community Christian Church GFR BOOTH

The Booth comes alive!

Our friends Joe, Jake, and Mary all help us set up the booth.

Silly Rabitt, you can't put that there.

GFR survives because of Volunteers like Joe.

More Joe

Two founders and a daughter.

This was only half of our booth........

Ben, are you serious? A petting zoo?

bring in the sheep!

And the goats...Thank you Friendly Farms!

Mary lovin life!

Princess Amber with a bunny.


A pig and a bunny!

The story of Sarafina...

Melody escorting people through the story of Sarafina...

Our good friends Pam and Jeff with Mary!

Some of the Pahlows


Pastor Tim and Miranda

Newly Sponsored Family!!!!! WOO HOO!

Pastor Dave and with one of his boys

World Bazaar At Community Christian Church Kids City Project

Hut to Home BEFORE AND AFTER

In 2005, Kids City built this new home for Orphan Regine and her 3 siblings, but

the kids in Kids City (Community Christian Church's kids program) wanted more! So they built another home this summer, and then Friday night, November 17th, they sold birdhouses to build another NEW HOME!!!! They teamed up with CCC's Junior High STUCO who made blankets to sell and raised over $1800.00!!! Now we are talking a THIRD home for orphans!!!!!!! WOO HOOO!

Here Ken and Angela and their precious kids counting the kids piggy bank

money to buy a birdhouse.

Here is their Display

What a great Idea!!!

Another trip to the hospital

Ok, we went back to Edwards Hospital today. It was a tough way to wake up. Ben walked up quietly behind me and said, "My chest hurts." I didn't have time to react in a panic. I just started pulling things together and gave him an insulin shot before we got in the car. He WANTED to go to the hospital. That was the scary part. Not at all like Ben. But things have changed and we both take this very seriously.

Back on morphine, nitroglycerin, heprin... two more I.V.'s. Cat scan, chest xray, blood draws, EKG, ECG, Blood pressure going off every 2 minutes... Nothing was conclusive. So the cardiologist says, "You are too young to take chances. I am going back in to see the arteries again."

Turns out the stints are still in place and the blood is getting to the right places... but the blood pumping into his arteries are "sluggish" which can cause residual heart pain. Also, one particular med was slowing down the pumping a little too much. Endothelial Dysfunction...

Whatever! Bottom line is that he had another catheter inserted into his other groin to get to his heart. He absolutely pushed through all the necessary hurdles to get out of the hospital tonight... and here we are again, at home, watching Oprah. I feel like the world is spinning and we are on it for the ride.

It never ceases to amaze me how Ben rebounds from this stuff. He is the strongest person I have ever met. Just 6 hours ago he was getting his heart probed and now he is sitting on that same couch he was on last night and asking me, "Are you done with that blog yet"? LOL! The first thing he did was look at his email to see what new people were interested in sponsoring a family in Rwanda. He loves it... he lives for seeing other people have a full life. And here he is, living the fullest one himself.

I was amazed to see that after surgery the first person to drop by was Vlad (And by the way he is not Russian! He is Chinese and Philippino) ... the nurse that Ben had last weekend for three nights straight. Vlad brought in his two adorable boys to visit. And isn't that SO like Ben?? What other person can make that kind of impression? He is a magnet for people! The thing that makes me absolutely crazy is that Ben cares so deeply for EVERY person he encounters in his life. How can he do that and not get overwhelmed? Sheesh! But seriously, Vlad is Ben's new best bud and it is fun to see new relationships developing out of such a scary situation.

So here I sit, typing away and I could be sleeping... but I know that everyone and his brother will be wondering how my best friend is doing! So now you know! He is well. He is determined to adjust to the new diet and exercise as well as handle all the needles because he loves us so much. And we can't help but love him back!

Unexpected

There are only a few experiences in my life that I can say have changed me forever... my first time on stage, Ben leaving for the airforce, the birth of my first child, the love note that Ben wrote 8 years ago that said "Relax you are valuable"... OK, this is so strange. I can't even bring to my mind things that used to be important to me. I guess that is because nothing could prepare me for what happened last Friday. It has consumed me for 6 full days. All I can think about is right now and being in this moment. There is no way to expect your 37 year old husband to have a heart attack. It is an outrageous thought to imagine my life without him. And I cringe at the thought that I almost had to.

Last Friday he was playing basketball at our church and felt chest pains, couldn't breathe, and had radiating pain down his left arm... all the classic signs. He told Tim Bakker our pastor to call 911. The cardiologist later told us it saved his life. He had a 100% block in one artery and another 80% block as well. Both required stints which holds open the artery for bloodflow. But even while I speak those details, I can't help but look at those words without remembering his face while I was running beside the gurney... "I'm sorry. I love you. Tell the kids I love them." Paste, that was the color of his forehead. I saw blood somewhere. But mostly I watched in horror as his mouth gasped for air and he spoke to Tim next to me... "Take care of my wife. Take care of my kids."

I will never be the same. I know Ben won't be either. He made it through the surgery and had complications with Diabetes. His blood sugars wouldn't go below 300 for a few days. They started him on insulin shots. In order for us to leave the hospital, he had to give himself the shots. It was horrible for him. He has a phobia of needles... and to think he has to give himself 4 shots each day as well as prick his fingers 4 times. It is amazing that he has toughed this out and is sitting on the couch right now playing on the computer. Honestly, if it was me, I would be throwing a fit saying, "Why me?? How come I have to do this crazy low fat, low carb, low sodium, low cal diet? Why can't I just be like everyone else?" But he doesn't. He is working on accepting this situation... and so am I. But it is so much easier that he WANTS to be healthy. One of the things he kept saying in the ambulance was "I want to live!" And that is so true. Ben wants to live... and apparently God wants him to as well.

The first few nights I couldn't sleep at all... I kept trying to hear him breathe. How ironic that when I came home 3 days later, Hope snuck into my bedroom, tapped my on the shoulder and said, "Mommy, are you breathing?" Breath has become important to me and all of our children. Walking too. Oh, and even eating. Well, I have to add sleeping... Hmmm.... Interesting. The things that strike me now as so important are SO simple. Dha! But it is true!!

I guess what I want to say is how God has spoken to our family about this crisis. We have all become part of the healing process through eating right, excercising, etc. But more than that, we have embraced trusting God. On Friday after surgery, Hope came home from school to find church friends waiting for her. They explained the situation and she called us. When she got on the phone with Ben (who was still groggy), she exclaimed, "Daddy, there was a miracle today! God talked to me at school and told me something bad was going to happen but that it would be ok. I heard him say that and it really DID happen just like he said. Daddy, I know He is real! He really did die on the cross for me!" It was the first moment I realized that we were not the only ones growing through this situation.

Many people have been helping us and supporting us. We feel so much love and care. Prayers are flying into heaven for us and we are so grateful. Thank you for being there... We love you all.

A story I can't believe

Sometimes I forget the horrible things our families have experienced. I came across this story today and thought I would share it with you. So many of our families have been traumatized in this way. Flora's story helps me remember why we are in Rwanda. I love all of our families and can not imagine how they go on after the things they have seen. But I am honored that we are doing something about it! And so can you!

'Living among the dead' - as seen on BBC April 4, 2004

Flora MukamporeIn 1994 in the village of Nyarubuye, Rwanda, the Hutu majority went on a killing spree in the local church, slaughtering neighbours and friends. Flora Mukampore lost 17 members of her family and saw her neighbour doing the killing. This is her story.

We used to go to church with them and they taught us together that committing murder is a sin and God punishes those who kill. We thought that no one would dare come to attack us at the church because the church is a holy place. [When the killers arrived] our men were ready to fight, even though they didn't have any weapons, so they died standing. You would not think that they were all going to get killed because they were very many. We did not think they would get killed.

My neighbour Gitera was there. Imagine someone leaving their home, knowing the possible victim's name and their children's names. They all killed their neighbours' wives and children.

All the people they were cutting fell on me because I was near the door. I had too much hair but it all was washed with blood. My body had been drenched in blood and it was getting dry on me so killers thought I had been cut all over. They thought I was dead. I lay down on one side with only one eye open. I could hear a man come toward me and I guess he saw me breathe. He hit me on my head saying: "Isn't this thing still alive?" Immediately I heard my entire body say "whaa". Something in my head changed forever. Everything stopped.

Afterwards, when the cold wind blew. I woke up. But I did not realise that there were bodies around me. I did not remember what had happened. I just thought they were normal people and so I slept among them like we had slept before the killers came.

Later I heard a girl say: "She is rotten. It's all over for her. Does she look human to you? "
Then I realised that all the people around me had decayed. When they sat me up I realised there were maggots and I started removing them off myself.

Can you imagine living with the dead? At some point God helped me and made me unconscious because if I wasn't, there is a possibility that I would have committed suicide. But, I wasn't conscious and anyway killing oneself needs energy. Can you imagine. People died on the 15 April and I lived among them until the 15 May?

~Flora

Giving Extraordinarily!

I am so proud of our families! Travis and Astrid arranged a "Sharing the Blessing Day" in Rwanda last week. The idea was for the sponsored families to give back to the community they are in. They are no longer the poorest of the village and we encouraged them to share what they have with the poor.

The pictures I received from our staff were really amazing. I felt a surge of pride well up in my chest as I looked at all those happy faces giving!!! What a huge step for them. I can't believe only a year or so ago, these very people couldn't walk among others because they had no clothes! Now, they are living in "abundance" and can give away livestock! Praise God.

It also was a reminder to me about giving sacrifically. Honestly, these people have so little -- if anyone had a reason "NOT" to give, it would be these families. They are just getting back on their feet! I mean, it goes against human nature to give when you "just have enough". And still these families give away what could be their very own futures. How extraordinary.

Receive!!!

Beth Moore is someone I think I will be quoting for a lifetime. Something struck me about Week 3 Day 2’s devotional of “The Beloved Disciple”.

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds – John 12:24 – As a child who bears the name of Christ, if part of you has died, it is meant to produce many seeds in time. Has it? Have we lived long enough and cooperated enough to see tender shoots come forth from the barren ground?”

Many parts of me have “died”. That is very clear to me. The wounds I carry seem to fade when I attend church and sing worship songs, laugh out loud with my friends and snuggle up to Ben. But when I am alone, the scars of my personal deaths scream for recognition. I have come to accept many of my wounds as “thorns in the flesh” to keep me needing God so desperately. Sometimes I am grateful for the reminder of the need… Other times; I want to resort to my own abilities so I can feel in control.

As a matter of fact, the other day I was about to lead a high school youth group (I am a new leader), and I excused myself into another room and fell onto the floor in prayer. “God, you know I can’t do this without you. Please help me be real and connect with these girls. I am Your servant and I trust that You are enough.” I got through the night fine. But I am reminded that my self-doubts may be exactly why God wants me where I am!

On the Africa front, I have tried to adjust to this culture with grace and poise… ha! But no matter how dignified I appear to be, the simplest things seem to get under my skin. The cost of movies or even being “entertained” seems a waste of time. Turning on the oven without having to collect wood is truly amazing. Our water never runs out. I still can’t stop doing a double take when I think I see a snake or lizard in every leaf on the grass or street! And, to top it off, the other day I heard someone coughing and I thought, “Uh-oh, that might be tuberculosis”.

I am finding it difficult to “receive” yet. What I mean is that I struggle with letting good happen to me without feeling guilt. But I am getting better. Today a friend of mine gave me a gift card to a salon/spa. I was able to get a wonderful facial. The room was beautiful and serene. The soft music and candles added to the ambiance of relaxation. I think even the chair was heated! Mandy started rubbing in some cleanser into my face and a tear ran down my right cheek. She scooped it up with a cotton ball. I think she just thought I had sensitive eyes. Each new step brought another tear, until she came to the moisturizer (luckily near the end). Tears started rolling from my eyes and I sniffed so she exclaimed, “Oh! Are you ok? Is this too strong?” “No”, I said, “I am just so amazed to be this blessed.” I explained a little about what I did and she spent extra time drying my tears with cotton balls. Thankfully she understood I was having a hard time accepting this gift! Right now, seeing the world’s reality makes it hard for me to enjoy pleasurable experiences. I sometimes wonder if that will ever go away.

You know, there is a gratefulness I experience on a daily basis just to be alive. I have had everything I could ever hope to have today. I have food and water. I am even blessed with a warm home. I have healthy children and they even get to have an education. My husband loves God and he loves me. Now, the tender shoots I would like to see come next in my life are in the area of knowing God’s special attention to me personally. I seem to feel so alone sometimes, especially when I think of how many people really need God’s full notice! But when I list all of these wonderful blessings, I have forgotten to see that God has specifically placed all of them in MY life… It is as if His own hand is reaching out to me and drawing me close when I open up the door of my home. He is there giving to me when I open up the refrigerator to eat. And when I go to sleep next to Ben, God grants me a physical presence of comfort. Those are MY special gifts from Him… I hope I can remember to see Him in those ways tomorrow!

Overwhelmed

I have thought long and hard about what I when and why I would blog next. Honestly, I don't even know how to describe the battle that has been going on inside of me. I figured it would be a good thing to just be honest about it.

I am a human being with needs and desires just like everyone else. Although the experience that I have had in Rwanda has taught me a lot about the "real" world, it has also taught me something unexpected: Self-doubt. I have been feeling incredibly guilty for feeling exhausted or even overwhelmed. What do I have to complain about? The sea of people with REAL needs I have witnessed first hand know about life's pain. I feel like I have no reason to be sad, frustrated or lonely.

I have started a new Bible study, "The Beloved Disciple" by Beth Moore. It is really making me crazy. She keeps asking about what I think of myself to bring into light the life of the disciple John. He was a younger son of a fisherman. Just a fisherman... Sometimes I feel that way, just a missionary... Really I feel like I am no one special. I am wife, mother and missionary. That is how I have defined myself. And now, I am not so sure that I want to be defined that way. Does that really sum up what I am?

I feel lost and alone in my journey to understand the world around me. I am so frustrated by need and poverty. I myself have fallen into a poverty of the soul. How can I ever find peace again now that I see the world as it truly is; fallen, lost, dying, hurting, and suffering?? What can I even do about it all? I am one person, and now I am a burned out person too.

Watching my children acclimate from Africa to America was fine... they adjusted quicker than I did. But seeing them adjust from Christian school to public is not as easy. They are struggling to find their places, to understand a new culture who generally seem uncaring, self-centered, and lost also. Perhaps they are living the life I was in Africa. They are surrounded by need as well, albeit spiritual versus physical.

Anyway, I am feeling overwhelmed. That is pretty clear based on this journal entry! Keep praying!

Back to the states!

This morning we leave for the states. I am having mixed emotions as we leave. I have found England to be pleasantly diverting. London is a city filled with culture and historical significance. I have thoroughly enjoyed the area where we are staying. My adjustment into another culture has come quicker than I expected and I feel that I was able to enjoy all that the city has to offer.

We visited Oasis Church in Nottingham and gave a presentation to around 100 people. The people were so responsive and I feel excited about what lies around the corner here in the U.K. Julia Negus, who has become our fast friend, arranged the meeting there at her parent’s church. She is going to be working on charity status for GFR U.K. We are praying that God will lead her to several people that would be willing volunteers for trustee responsibilities. God continues to blow my mind as we follow in step with Him.

Some of the highlights of being here have been eating Yorkshire Pudding with the Negus family, praise and worship and Oasis, our flat in Covent Garden and eating raspberries.

But of all the things that stick out to me here was our visit to see the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London. We took the children with us one day and I was absolutely stunned by the magnificence of the Royal Crown. Actually, I had goose bumps as I watched a video of the current Queen Elizabeth being crowned during her coronation as a young girl. She was so regal and the ritual was reverent and awe inspiring. It struck me that I was watching worship in action. Every one bowed down to her and she was worthy of that admiration and respect.

I think every heart has the desire to worship something. It is in us to give awe and respect. And when I watched that beautiful video with the horse drawn gold carriage procession and the red coronation robes… I can’t help thinking that one day I will be in heaven watching Jesus be crowned. I even was so bold as to imagine putting the heavy crown on his head myself. What an honor it would be to stand so close to Him that day. To see the scars from the thorns and then carefully cover it with the fur lined crown. What a moment that will be. He is so worthy of that kind of attention and awe.

Our lives have been challenged and transformed through our experience this summer. I have watched the children grow more patient and also become closer friends. They start school next week and I know that they are nervous to start in new schools. It is an adjustment that has to be made but with Africa under their belts, I feel more confident that they will do alright.

I have also learned that a little bit of suffering has made them better, not worse. The sacrifices we have endured, though small, have proven significant character builders. I am really proud of them.

So as we leave for home, I am excited to return to our wonderful church and I can’t wait to see all my friends who made this time possible. What a privilege it is for me to be entrusted with this mission to serve in Rwanda. We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus. He is the Potter and we the clay. Which one of us can ever imagine the shape He will create?

Moon to metropolis...

We made it to London… central London. I have spent today fighting off tears and disassociating. We went to the grocery store and I had to steady myself. There was so much food and everything was so clean. We were able to find deli turkey for sandwiches! I stood in front of the precooked and prepackaged turkey and it took me almost ten minutes to decide what “kind” was best. Mesquite, thin sliced, turkey ham, thick, smoked… sheesh! I ended up going with the best price! But there is nothing like that in Rwanda at all…there is NO sandwich meat other than some odd salami. Basically, you go into the store and see what they have… If you have the money… you buy it! There are no choices!

Also, there are so many people packed together here. There are lots of different nationalities. Also, I have seen more skin in one day then in the last 2 ½ months altogether. I am completely shocked by the amount of tight clothing and exposed stomachs… Of course, it will be the same in America. But I completely forgot that women wear pants, let alone mini skirts.

I am especially being bombarded by sounds and lights. Everywhere there is loud music and bright lights. Right now I am sitting in our lovely flat in Covent Garden which has a real garden in a courtyard… and the street side is booming with laughter and loud music. I can hear glasses clinging in toasts and men and women in the middle of non-sense conversation. It feels like I have been dropped off the moon and into a metropolis. Within 17 hours I went from village life to inner city life and I haven’t adjusted. I keep trying to stay “present” for Ben and the kid’s sake… but I am loosing that battle!

Every person I have met here whether at the airport or on the street has been so polite and wonderful. They are very kind and accommodating to visitors. I have spoken today to Julia Negus, our UK contact in Nottingham. She made me feel so comfortable and excited about coming to their church tomorrow for our presentation. I can’t wait to visit the countryside… somehow I think I will probably feel VERY comfortable there!

So it is off to bed I go… I have a big day tomorrow. Re-entry is difficult… I feel confused and unable to take anymore stimuli into my brain. Hopefully a good sleep with help!

Cry out to Him

August 8, 2006

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had never met Providence Rubingisa at the Romeoville Public Library years ago. I wonder what I would be doing now… maybe I would be home putting together school supplies and watching the children play in a soccer league. Or maybe I would be cooking some cupcakes for Ben’s birthday (he turns 37 on Sunday). Perhaps I would even be reading a book on a lounge chair while the children went swimming in a chlorine rich pool.

But more often than that, I think about what I have an opportunity to do now. I get to live in Africa (who can say that anymore?). I get to see people go from poverty and trauma to self-sufficiency and esteem. I get to hear my son Nathan say, “I won’t mind doing dishes in America… it is nothing like the work people do here.” I get to see first hand the amazing God changes in people who used to believe God slept while they starved. I get to run after cows and goats in fields no white person has ever stood in or even gazed at. I have even started listening to my husband… that is the real miracle! Most of all, I have found prayer to be one of my biggest strengths.

I spent last night praying profusely… I couldn’t stop. I needed God to intervene. Even after falling asleep I would wake up and continue praying. I am not saying that to brag… actually… it is a sign of great weakness. I came to realize that there was nothing I could do about a situation. Only God could resolve it. I even dreamt my prayer.

Now the question is, would I needed to pray like this over school supplies, a soccer league or even at the pool? Maybe… but most likely not. What I have found is that great adventures and crisis’ require great prayers. For me I have always thought the easiest way to live would have been to choose the “just stay put” life... but the biggest spiritual growth I have experienced has always come during great struggle.

A friend of mine told me that she has watched me unfold from a bud to a flower in the last 3 years. I tend to look at the thorns much too closely. But after spending my life on the fast track to spiritual growth, I honestly think I have just begun the process. God is really getting a hold of me now. I can’t say I would “do anything” for the Lord… that simply is not true. I fight and scream on almost every new endeavor He brings my way. But at least now I am starting to recognize that there is something good that can come out of every hurt, every struggle, everything! He is a good God to be so patient with me.

With life passing me by, I don’t want to leave things unfinished OR unstarted! Whatever God wants me to do; I am praying that He gives me the continued courage to do it.

We met Uwimana's Wife Denise

She could not believe his own words, that he had gotten a job with GFR...
We put them up in "Hotel Pahlow" for 2 nights...
Fed them dinner
Then we went over the details, and asked Denise what she thought of moving the family north of Kigali, about 7 hours away from their current home. She was so happy! 

28 precious people buried behind us

Saturday we had lunch at the home of Pascal. Behind us was his family's memorial. 

GFR COW DAY!

While at Pascal's home for lunch, we had 3 cows to give away, Sarefena (Petrovic) got 2 cows, and Theresphore (Haines) got 1 cow! Both families had to walk about 1.5 hours to get their cows. This photo is with Theresphore. 

GFR COW DAY 2!

Sarafena with her two new cows. The only problem she had was she could not heard them back to her house by herself...we hired some help! 

Lunchtime.

After the cows were distributed...we had a delightful lunch.

Even Sarafena was able to eat with us!