Fear

I had a busy day... but I can't say I accomplished a thing. I hate that! I worked all day and then found myself looking at some of the journaling I did from our Somali Bantu refugee visits. I can't believe we did that as a family. 21 people in our house for 3 weeks. WHEW!

I guess I feel that way about a lot of things in my life. I don't know how I was able to handle certain events or challenges other than the grace of God. This newest happening, Ben's heart attack, has taken a lot from me emotionally. I can't say how often I think of him collapsed in his car, gasping for air, or whispering "Goodbye". It is a fear that every person feels; the loss of someone close. And the fear seems to overtake me particularly in the dark of night. Sometimes I count his breaths. Sometimes I play with his hair. I have even laid my hands on his back in silent prayers for stronger arteries.

Apparently I am not the only one who has it in the front of their mind. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling well and I got on the floor to pick something up and felt too weak to get up. I asked Nathan to come over and help me. His face was instantly showing signs of horror... "Mom!" He quickly said, "Are you having a heart attack"? Even though it has been more than a month... we are scarred by the memories. I have been eating terribly in an attempt to "feel" better. Which is exactly what Ben is NOT supposed to do. He is doing well with the diet. He starts his rehab with exercise this week. He even started a second job last week to help pay some bills. Meanwhile, I am turning to chocolate to try to quell the feelings of fear.

I don't want to sound ungrateful. God knows how grateful I am... we were just so close to loosing him. Some how I look at us as totally mortal now. Anything could happen. But that is only my fears taking over. God did not give me a spirit of fear!

Whatever the battles that we have faced before have certainly given us faith muscles to flex. But I am tired of flexing today. I just need rest, spiritually and emotionally. I don't want my imagination to run wild... I want to just be in the moment.