Receive!!!

Beth Moore is someone I think I will be quoting for a lifetime. Something struck me about Week 3 Day 2’s devotional of “The Beloved Disciple”.

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds – John 12:24 – As a child who bears the name of Christ, if part of you has died, it is meant to produce many seeds in time. Has it? Have we lived long enough and cooperated enough to see tender shoots come forth from the barren ground?”

Many parts of me have “died”. That is very clear to me. The wounds I carry seem to fade when I attend church and sing worship songs, laugh out loud with my friends and snuggle up to Ben. But when I am alone, the scars of my personal deaths scream for recognition. I have come to accept many of my wounds as “thorns in the flesh” to keep me needing God so desperately. Sometimes I am grateful for the reminder of the need… Other times; I want to resort to my own abilities so I can feel in control.

As a matter of fact, the other day I was about to lead a high school youth group (I am a new leader), and I excused myself into another room and fell onto the floor in prayer. “God, you know I can’t do this without you. Please help me be real and connect with these girls. I am Your servant and I trust that You are enough.” I got through the night fine. But I am reminded that my self-doubts may be exactly why God wants me where I am!

On the Africa front, I have tried to adjust to this culture with grace and poise… ha! But no matter how dignified I appear to be, the simplest things seem to get under my skin. The cost of movies or even being “entertained” seems a waste of time. Turning on the oven without having to collect wood is truly amazing. Our water never runs out. I still can’t stop doing a double take when I think I see a snake or lizard in every leaf on the grass or street! And, to top it off, the other day I heard someone coughing and I thought, “Uh-oh, that might be tuberculosis”.

I am finding it difficult to “receive” yet. What I mean is that I struggle with letting good happen to me without feeling guilt. But I am getting better. Today a friend of mine gave me a gift card to a salon/spa. I was able to get a wonderful facial. The room was beautiful and serene. The soft music and candles added to the ambiance of relaxation. I think even the chair was heated! Mandy started rubbing in some cleanser into my face and a tear ran down my right cheek. She scooped it up with a cotton ball. I think she just thought I had sensitive eyes. Each new step brought another tear, until she came to the moisturizer (luckily near the end). Tears started rolling from my eyes and I sniffed so she exclaimed, “Oh! Are you ok? Is this too strong?” “No”, I said, “I am just so amazed to be this blessed.” I explained a little about what I did and she spent extra time drying my tears with cotton balls. Thankfully she understood I was having a hard time accepting this gift! Right now, seeing the world’s reality makes it hard for me to enjoy pleasurable experiences. I sometimes wonder if that will ever go away.

You know, there is a gratefulness I experience on a daily basis just to be alive. I have had everything I could ever hope to have today. I have food and water. I am even blessed with a warm home. I have healthy children and they even get to have an education. My husband loves God and he loves me. Now, the tender shoots I would like to see come next in my life are in the area of knowing God’s special attention to me personally. I seem to feel so alone sometimes, especially when I think of how many people really need God’s full notice! But when I list all of these wonderful blessings, I have forgotten to see that God has specifically placed all of them in MY life… It is as if His own hand is reaching out to me and drawing me close when I open up the door of my home. He is there giving to me when I open up the refrigerator to eat. And when I go to sleep next to Ben, God grants me a physical presence of comfort. Those are MY special gifts from Him… I hope I can remember to see Him in those ways tomorrow!

Overwhelmed

I have thought long and hard about what I when and why I would blog next. Honestly, I don't even know how to describe the battle that has been going on inside of me. I figured it would be a good thing to just be honest about it.

I am a human being with needs and desires just like everyone else. Although the experience that I have had in Rwanda has taught me a lot about the "real" world, it has also taught me something unexpected: Self-doubt. I have been feeling incredibly guilty for feeling exhausted or even overwhelmed. What do I have to complain about? The sea of people with REAL needs I have witnessed first hand know about life's pain. I feel like I have no reason to be sad, frustrated or lonely.

I have started a new Bible study, "The Beloved Disciple" by Beth Moore. It is really making me crazy. She keeps asking about what I think of myself to bring into light the life of the disciple John. He was a younger son of a fisherman. Just a fisherman... Sometimes I feel that way, just a missionary... Really I feel like I am no one special. I am wife, mother and missionary. That is how I have defined myself. And now, I am not so sure that I want to be defined that way. Does that really sum up what I am?

I feel lost and alone in my journey to understand the world around me. I am so frustrated by need and poverty. I myself have fallen into a poverty of the soul. How can I ever find peace again now that I see the world as it truly is; fallen, lost, dying, hurting, and suffering?? What can I even do about it all? I am one person, and now I am a burned out person too.

Watching my children acclimate from Africa to America was fine... they adjusted quicker than I did. But seeing them adjust from Christian school to public is not as easy. They are struggling to find their places, to understand a new culture who generally seem uncaring, self-centered, and lost also. Perhaps they are living the life I was in Africa. They are surrounded by need as well, albeit spiritual versus physical.

Anyway, I am feeling overwhelmed. That is pretty clear based on this journal entry! Keep praying!

Back to the states!

This morning we leave for the states. I am having mixed emotions as we leave. I have found England to be pleasantly diverting. London is a city filled with culture and historical significance. I have thoroughly enjoyed the area where we are staying. My adjustment into another culture has come quicker than I expected and I feel that I was able to enjoy all that the city has to offer.

We visited Oasis Church in Nottingham and gave a presentation to around 100 people. The people were so responsive and I feel excited about what lies around the corner here in the U.K. Julia Negus, who has become our fast friend, arranged the meeting there at her parent’s church. She is going to be working on charity status for GFR U.K. We are praying that God will lead her to several people that would be willing volunteers for trustee responsibilities. God continues to blow my mind as we follow in step with Him.

Some of the highlights of being here have been eating Yorkshire Pudding with the Negus family, praise and worship and Oasis, our flat in Covent Garden and eating raspberries.

But of all the things that stick out to me here was our visit to see the Crown Jewels at the Tower of London. We took the children with us one day and I was absolutely stunned by the magnificence of the Royal Crown. Actually, I had goose bumps as I watched a video of the current Queen Elizabeth being crowned during her coronation as a young girl. She was so regal and the ritual was reverent and awe inspiring. It struck me that I was watching worship in action. Every one bowed down to her and she was worthy of that admiration and respect.

I think every heart has the desire to worship something. It is in us to give awe and respect. And when I watched that beautiful video with the horse drawn gold carriage procession and the red coronation robes… I can’t help thinking that one day I will be in heaven watching Jesus be crowned. I even was so bold as to imagine putting the heavy crown on his head myself. What an honor it would be to stand so close to Him that day. To see the scars from the thorns and then carefully cover it with the fur lined crown. What a moment that will be. He is so worthy of that kind of attention and awe.

Our lives have been challenged and transformed through our experience this summer. I have watched the children grow more patient and also become closer friends. They start school next week and I know that they are nervous to start in new schools. It is an adjustment that has to be made but with Africa under their belts, I feel more confident that they will do alright.

I have also learned that a little bit of suffering has made them better, not worse. The sacrifices we have endured, though small, have proven significant character builders. I am really proud of them.

So as we leave for home, I am excited to return to our wonderful church and I can’t wait to see all my friends who made this time possible. What a privilege it is for me to be entrusted with this mission to serve in Rwanda. We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus. He is the Potter and we the clay. Which one of us can ever imagine the shape He will create?

Moon to metropolis...

We made it to London… central London. I have spent today fighting off tears and disassociating. We went to the grocery store and I had to steady myself. There was so much food and everything was so clean. We were able to find deli turkey for sandwiches! I stood in front of the precooked and prepackaged turkey and it took me almost ten minutes to decide what “kind” was best. Mesquite, thin sliced, turkey ham, thick, smoked… sheesh! I ended up going with the best price! But there is nothing like that in Rwanda at all…there is NO sandwich meat other than some odd salami. Basically, you go into the store and see what they have… If you have the money… you buy it! There are no choices!

Also, there are so many people packed together here. There are lots of different nationalities. Also, I have seen more skin in one day then in the last 2 ½ months altogether. I am completely shocked by the amount of tight clothing and exposed stomachs… Of course, it will be the same in America. But I completely forgot that women wear pants, let alone mini skirts.

I am especially being bombarded by sounds and lights. Everywhere there is loud music and bright lights. Right now I am sitting in our lovely flat in Covent Garden which has a real garden in a courtyard… and the street side is booming with laughter and loud music. I can hear glasses clinging in toasts and men and women in the middle of non-sense conversation. It feels like I have been dropped off the moon and into a metropolis. Within 17 hours I went from village life to inner city life and I haven’t adjusted. I keep trying to stay “present” for Ben and the kid’s sake… but I am loosing that battle!

Every person I have met here whether at the airport or on the street has been so polite and wonderful. They are very kind and accommodating to visitors. I have spoken today to Julia Negus, our UK contact in Nottingham. She made me feel so comfortable and excited about coming to their church tomorrow for our presentation. I can’t wait to visit the countryside… somehow I think I will probably feel VERY comfortable there!

So it is off to bed I go… I have a big day tomorrow. Re-entry is difficult… I feel confused and unable to take anymore stimuli into my brain. Hopefully a good sleep with help!

Cry out to Him

August 8, 2006

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I had never met Providence Rubingisa at the Romeoville Public Library years ago. I wonder what I would be doing now… maybe I would be home putting together school supplies and watching the children play in a soccer league. Or maybe I would be cooking some cupcakes for Ben’s birthday (he turns 37 on Sunday). Perhaps I would even be reading a book on a lounge chair while the children went swimming in a chlorine rich pool.

But more often than that, I think about what I have an opportunity to do now. I get to live in Africa (who can say that anymore?). I get to see people go from poverty and trauma to self-sufficiency and esteem. I get to hear my son Nathan say, “I won’t mind doing dishes in America… it is nothing like the work people do here.” I get to see first hand the amazing God changes in people who used to believe God slept while they starved. I get to run after cows and goats in fields no white person has ever stood in or even gazed at. I have even started listening to my husband… that is the real miracle! Most of all, I have found prayer to be one of my biggest strengths.

I spent last night praying profusely… I couldn’t stop. I needed God to intervene. Even after falling asleep I would wake up and continue praying. I am not saying that to brag… actually… it is a sign of great weakness. I came to realize that there was nothing I could do about a situation. Only God could resolve it. I even dreamt my prayer.

Now the question is, would I needed to pray like this over school supplies, a soccer league or even at the pool? Maybe… but most likely not. What I have found is that great adventures and crisis’ require great prayers. For me I have always thought the easiest way to live would have been to choose the “just stay put” life... but the biggest spiritual growth I have experienced has always come during great struggle.

A friend of mine told me that she has watched me unfold from a bud to a flower in the last 3 years. I tend to look at the thorns much too closely. But after spending my life on the fast track to spiritual growth, I honestly think I have just begun the process. God is really getting a hold of me now. I can’t say I would “do anything” for the Lord… that simply is not true. I fight and scream on almost every new endeavor He brings my way. But at least now I am starting to recognize that there is something good that can come out of every hurt, every struggle, everything! He is a good God to be so patient with me.

With life passing me by, I don’t want to leave things unfinished OR unstarted! Whatever God wants me to do; I am praying that He gives me the continued courage to do it.

We met Uwimana's Wife Denise

She could not believe his own words, that he had gotten a job with GFR...
We put them up in "Hotel Pahlow" for 2 nights...
Fed them dinner
Then we went over the details, and asked Denise what she thought of moving the family north of Kigali, about 7 hours away from their current home. She was so happy! 

28 precious people buried behind us

Saturday we had lunch at the home of Pascal. Behind us was his family's memorial. 

GFR COW DAY!

While at Pascal's home for lunch, we had 3 cows to give away, Sarefena (Petrovic) got 2 cows, and Theresphore (Haines) got 1 cow! Both families had to walk about 1.5 hours to get their cows. This photo is with Theresphore. 

GFR COW DAY 2!

Sarafena with her two new cows. The only problem she had was she could not heard them back to her house by herself...we hired some help! 

Lunchtime.

After the cows were distributed...we had a delightful lunch.

Even Sarafena was able to eat with us!