Stubborn enough to try

I am shattered.  I have sat at this computer for 30 minutes but haven't touched the keyboard.  I can't believe what I have seen today and I feel sick.  I can't eat.  I can barely drink.  I have cried today until my eyelids are nearly shut. 

There are no words to describe poverty up close.  The images are etched into my mind and I can't set them aside.  Even sitting here under my mosquito net is enough to bring the tears flowing again.  I have a mattress and a pillow.  My children ate today.  Is there anything else in the world I need?

Josephine is a woman living in a hut that is 10 foot by 10 foot.  She has 5 children and is going to have a baby this month.  Her husband left her earlier this year when the 8 and 10 year olds asked him if he could pay their school fees.  Now Josephine carries firewood (over 80 pounds of weight) on her head with 2 toddlers on her back and front to make a little money to feed them all.  She even digs a little in others gardens to put something in their bellies... but they only eat roots.  She cried when I gave her enough food for beans.  She cried and hugged me. 

Josephine telling me they didn't eat anything today

Josephine's youngest baby sleeps on a potato sack

Josephine pointing out her latrine

Josephine's daughter smiling at me after she ate my crackers

Ben loved Josephine's littlest baby girl

We prayed for Josephine's baby

 

Josephine cried and I told her it would be alright

Sophia's husband has a girl friend on the side and all the money is finding its way to the girl friend and not to Sophia and her 3 children.  She has nothing to eat.  Period.  No beans, no roots, no bananas.  The children barely had energy to walk to me.

I fed Sophia's baby some of the oreo cookies I had in my purse

Sophia's baby cried when the oreo fell on the ground

I told Sophia that if she ever needed anything to contact Pastor Dan and he would get in touch with me

Daniel has HIV... a very advanced case.  His father is taking care of him because his Daniel's wife left him with the 4 children.  Grace, the oldest child of 13 looks worn and fearful.  She is watching her father die and none of them had eaten today at all. 

Here are 2 of Daniel's children and his father showing me into Daniel's house

Daniel can no longer see or walk - he stays in his house all day

An older widow we met had lost her husband, had 3 children in the big city trying to get jobs without success, a son who was hit by a car and has a ruined hip and leg, a daughter who is severely crippled and mentally handicapped and a 15 year old boy who tries to do the work.  This mother was trying desperately to finish making a mat with palm fronds to sell for a little food.  None of them had eaten in 2 days.

Here is the widows daughter - she can't walk so she crawls around the ground

Here is the widow making her mat

Probably the worst thing I experienced today was my next door neighbor Rose crying outside.  I went inside and saw she had nothing to eat and only 2 sauce pans, a small mattress and her child playing on the dirty floor.  This woman had been attacked by her drunk husband and nearly killed with a machete.  I think the child had witnessed this as well.  The little girl is only 4.  Rose lost everything, can't pay her $5 a month rent for the little room, and had no food for 2 days.  The little girl saw I was holding a gum wrapper and pulled it out of my hands.  She licked the paper than pointed to my mouth.  I showed her my gum thinking she was trying to make sense of where the good smell was coming from but then she snatched it and threw it in her mouth and swallowed it down.  This was more than I could take.  I had seen so much already today but to have a little girl hungry enough to eat something out of my mouth is a nightmare. 

I sit in my bed, with my children tucked away safe and their bellies full.  I can't breathe from the pain of knowing these poor women, men and children are suffering on the hard ground with no blankets and no comfort.  The only thing they have tonight is enough money to feed their childrens bellies for a few days.

I can't understand this.  I can't understand the suffering.  I am angry and sick.  I don't think I will sleep tonight.  The only thing I do know is that most of these people qualify for our project.  Soon we will open up sponsorship and someone in the states or England can send a little money each month so these families can sleep soundly at night and not worry where they will get food the next day.  They will not have to worry about the pain of watching their children weakened or die by starvation.  But I don't feel like it can happen fast enough.  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I am just one girl and sometimes I feel like I won't make a dent in this suffering.  But if you know me... I am stubborn enough to try.