I have thought long and hard about what I when and why I would blog next. Honestly, I don't even know how to describe the battle that has been going on inside of me. I figured it would be a good thing to just be honest about it.
I am a human being with needs and desires just like everyone else. Although the experience that I have had in Rwanda has taught me a lot about the "real" world, it has also taught me something unexpected: Self-doubt. I have been feeling incredibly guilty for feeling exhausted or even overwhelmed. What do I have to complain about? The sea of people with REAL needs I have witnessed first hand know about life's pain. I feel like I have no reason to be sad, frustrated or lonely.
I have started a new Bible study, "The Beloved Disciple" by Beth Moore. It is really making me crazy. She keeps asking about what I think of myself to bring into light the life of the disciple John. He was a younger son of a fisherman. Just a fisherman... Sometimes I feel that way, just a missionary... Really I feel like I am no one special. I am wife, mother and missionary. That is how I have defined myself. And now, I am not so sure that I want to be defined that way. Does that really sum up what I am?
I feel lost and alone in my journey to understand the world around me. I am so frustrated by need and poverty. I myself have fallen into a poverty of the soul. How can I ever find peace again now that I see the world as it truly is; fallen, lost, dying, hurting, and suffering?? What can I even do about it all? I am one person, and now I am a burned out person too.
Watching my children acclimate from Africa to America was fine... they adjusted quicker than I did. But seeing them adjust from Christian school to public is not as easy. They are struggling to find their places, to understand a new culture who generally seem uncaring, self-centered, and lost also. Perhaps they are living the life I was in Africa. They are surrounded by need as well, albeit spiritual versus physical.
Anyway, I am feeling overwhelmed. That is pretty clear based on this journal entry! Keep praying!
2 comments:
Melody!
Good to see a new post from you! But, so sorry that it wasn't the most positive one and that you're having a hard time. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I'm not so great at stuff like that.
Just know that you're a truly amazing person, and you bring so much happiness and light into people's lives. You may feel like you're just a mom and missionary, but you're really so much more. You're a great friend to everyone you meet and you touch people in such a positive way. You have a great gift for working with people, and you are just such an amazing and sweet lady! I'll pray for you and your whole family (especially the kids with school, I know how much public schools suck)I miss ya sooooo much an can't wait to see you and everyone else soon!
Luv always,
Kenya
Melody,
I was thinking about you today while reading the lastest cover article in "Guideposts." It's about Rick Warren's wife who went through breast cancer, and is involved with AIDS...there's a photo of her and Rick in Rwanda surrounded by orphaned kids (mostly due to AIDS).
Anyway, I think that Ecclesiastes says it best... that days of mourning are more enlightening/more educational/better for the soul than days of joy. Maybe you're on a learning curve,hang in there, I'll be praying for you and don't be so scarred of your negative emotions (I don't know if you are or not, I just wanted to encourage you). I appreciate your honesty. I think we're all discovering who we are/why the heck we're here, what purpose we have. Some days, I want to have a noble purpose, some days I want to stay at home all day in my jammies. Some days I feel purposeful, in the center of God's will and some days I'm terribly lost and full of self-doubt and uncertainty, even doubtful of God's love for me, a horrible sinner and full of myself. That's live, I guess.
You're definitely not alone in this area.
Love and prayers to you and yours.
Liz P.
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