I am praying for God to help me put into words what I am experiencing. There is no easy way to describe it. I am not comfortable with the color of my skin… I am even angry that I was born white. I don’t think it is really the color so much as what it represents to the world.
Yesterday morning Ben left for a tour with World Relief and I was driving the car in town for some grocery items. I can’t tell you how many bad looks I got from Rwandese men. There were looks from men of all ages and levels of wealth. Some of the men wore nothing but rags and some were clean shaven and had ties on. In my mind I imagined them saying to themselves, “I can’t even afford to put food on my family’s table and here is a woman that has a car to herself just because she has THAT color skin.”
It was truly unnerving for me. Not because I felt uncomfortable with the men’s thoughts. I felt disturbed by the fact that with my color comes an entitlement of sorts. I am expected to have a vehicle or even two! I am also SUPPPOSED to have choices. I can have chicken, beef or fish. And I can also choose how to have it cooked; fried, boiled or grilled. I have the privilege of technology…. and not only one computer which has “speedy” internet, I have several at home. We have more than one television… and our computers can also double as televisions as well. Even simpler than that, I have access to clean water, a warm bed, even free education!
I am really sick of myself. Why do I have all these luxuries? There is a beautiful little girl that I see each time I go to Gitumba and her dirty blue dress is torn exposing her ribs. She carries her brother on her back that is more than half her own size. She smiles at me so openly… but all I can see are those little ribs poking out of her skin. This is ludicrous! Why was I born in America? My head says so that I can help others… but I can never remove the entitlements that come with my origination. I want to be like that little girl, so happy with her life even as hungry as she is. But I think that I am so VERY different from them. And perhaps I will never be able to be comfortable with that difference because it is offensive to me! I don’t understand it… and I want to simplify our lives… but I will never truly be able to step into their shoes. I want to be ok with that, but I am not.
God show me how to accept my own origination and not despise the opportunities given to me. Help me use all that I am to serve these people. Amen…
3 comments:
You are who God made you to be. You shouldn't be angry with that. It's what you do with who He made you to be that matters. Just as there are many parts to the human body, there are many parts to the body of the Church. God is the head. He cannot do without the hands or the feet or the ears or the heart, etc. God made you to be a part of His Body and despising yourself would be like despising your arms or your mouth. We all have our purpose for being here and it is God's purpose and plan and not really for us to despise. I will pray that God lift this burden from you as you continue to serve His children in Rwanda.
Please know that our body is the shell that houses our soul. If given a chance to share your soul with all they would see your grace, your love. You are doing the work of God, and it might be your face, your skin color they note however, it will be your internal beauty that will be remembered for years to come. You are amazing. Blessings to you, your family, and the group. I pray for you daily for safty, health and happiness.
Hello Melody,
I have the same feelings after spending 10 days in Rwanda. Why do we have soooo much and these people have so little. How can it be that Pastor Elson and his family live without running water in 2006? Their kitchen is outside. His children, 5 and 7, have never tasted icecream. He had some in 2002!
I am in Norway now visitng my mom. Last night I had my first hot shower in 2 weeks. I have had bird baths the whole time . I praise God I did not get sick at all. All of Muhura is praying for your meeting on the 17th.
Love and blessings to you both,
Kirsten
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