My head says, "Are you kidding me"?

The count down is over. The day has arrived at last and we will be on our way tomorrow. Honestly, I am relieved. It has been dragging on for months now and the moment is finally here.

I can't tell you how many people have asked me or one of the kids the question, "Are you excited?" I don't know what to think of that question. Actually, I don't know how to respond to it. Excited? I wouldn't say that exactly. I would probably say resigned. I know that may seem unspiritual... but it is absolutely the truth. Let me explain;

I have spent 9 months preparing myself for the event. I have been to Rwanda and experienced sadness beyond my wildest imagination, felt extreme empathy that turned into self-focus, craved cheese that oozed off pizza, spent hours contemplating home under a mosquito net and closed my mouth in the shower to avoid bacterial infections. I have also spent hours arguing with politicians over care of the villagers (without seeming argumentive), I have driven 6 hours each day in a hot car filled with humans to reach the families, we spend hours on email keeping open communication between Rwanda and the states. We even host people in Rwanda and bring them along to experience poverty and trauma and then debrief them as I am debriefing myself.

I have done all this, WITHOUT kids. Therein lies the struggle. Let me just put this plainly. This is not a vacation. This is work, hard work. Heart and gut wrenching. It is something I can't say I WANT to do. I used to feel guilty for that. I don't anymore.

Lets face it... who would want to drop everything cushy in America to step into a third world country and be forced to live without Jewel/Osco, clean water, air conditioning, television, electricity, speedy internet, fast food or maybe even just freedom to travel! I haven't driven yet in Kigali. That is another huge problem. I want to go wherever I want to, whenever I want to and the bottomline is that it is not possible there. I don't know what is safe yet. I don't know how to get to a store. I am totally at the mercy of others... not my favorite place to be.

So, am I excited? No. What I do feel is some sort of agreement with God. I know that when I get there, these thoughts fade. I see the people and my own life and my feelings of self-importance shrink. There are moments I will struggle with a lack of freedom or frustration over having no hot water if the electricity goes out. But I am looking forward to getting to the place of appreciation I loose here at home. Gratitude is something that is hard to come by unless you are without. It is really odd to have all these thoughts and yet realize that they won't matter one ounce in 2 weeks. It all makes sense when we are there. It doesn't make any sense here.

I guess that is the strange thing about missions. It isn't logical. It isn't something tangible that I can explain. It isn't comfortable -- but I do it anyway. You know what, I think maybe I do want to go. There is something that draws me there. My heart is doing battle with my mind. My heart says, "Yes" and my head says, "Are you kidding me"? ....Tomorrow.... my heart will win the battle.