Is it possible to be homesick while you are still home?

Is it possible to be homesick while you are still home? I feel melancholy at the thought of leaving home. It is all really happening! We are very close to completing our financial goal, and it eerie because I somehow thought perhaps it wouldn't happen! But I have been writing a list for three weeks now of things we need to accomplish before leaving the U.S. anyway, and it keeps growing. Ben and I worked on it together today and decided we needed to break it down in weekly chunks to accomplish it all (5 weeks to go). How do people do this?? I have never heard missionaries complain about how much preparation goes into leaving or coming home! I certainly won't be the first one right? Or will I?

I am contemplating all of the comforts I will miss sorely. Particularly my bed. It is so warm and comforting with a huge blanket. I love to spread out on it for a nap with all three of the dogs cuddling close to me. That reminds me, I will miss my dogs. I can't believe I am saying that! Those animals have been such a trial at times... peeing on the carpet, barking at every noise outside, running out the door, stealing each others food... it is like having 7 children and not 4! I will also miss my beautiful yellow daylilies blooming in June. And of course I will miss church. Going there on Sunday is like a homecoming of sorts. I just simply belong there. I will definitely miss fast food, Jewel, Target, Culver's Carmel Pecan Sundaes, CHEESE, my quick internet service, and maybe even more basic than that, dependable hot clean water and electricity. But I will especially miss being with my small group. I feel like I am going away permanently somehow... I know I am being overdramatic! You may be saying, "Melody, it is only 3 months!" Ahhh! That is the truth. But, when has the truth ever mattered when it came to my emotional outbursts??

Today I also looked at a very powerful website that my friend Kathy sent to me. There are several genocide memorials in Rwanda that I have not had an opportunity to see in person. I have seen one in the capital city of Kigali, and that one reminds me of a Westernized museum. There are photos and stories in these other memorials that are so difficult to look at, and yet, I feel compelled again to look at the reality of the country I love so dearly. I warn you that it is very graphic, but if you are interested in seeing the truth for yourself, go to http://www.museum.gov.rw/index.htm

So! I am putting together a list of what we need in Rwanda. We are setting up a house in a foreign country and there is nothing but a few beds and a table with 6 chairs. I have never done this before and we are supposed to squeeze everything in 12 suitcases! We are also going to squeeze 45 extra people in the home during the two "mission trips". Please pray for all of the people coming and my sanity! I am including the immediate needs list below. If you feel interested in helping provide any of these items, please feel free to email me at melody.pahlow@globalfamilyrescue.org I can give you a more accurate update as to what we are still looking for!

Immediate Needs List

Kraft mac and cheese, Ramen noodle packs (chicken or beef), chocolate, Chef Boy 'R" D pizza mix, hot cocoa mix, chocolate chips
Liquid Amoxcycillin unmixed (4 just in case)
Malaria medication (3 months worth for 6 people)
Ibuprofen (liquid and pill), Tylenol (liquid and pill), Chewable Pepcid AC, Claritin, Sudafed, Immodium AD, Nyquil
Kotex Pads and Tampons for 2 women for 3 months
Hair gel, John Freida anti frizz treatment, shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion
BUG SPRAY and mosquito coils
Sun screen
Light weight blankets, pillows (for 6 people) and sheets - One king and two queen beds
Four bathroom rugs
Timers for lights in our U.S. home
8 HUGE suitcases
12 bath towels, kitchen rags and towels
Lighter
Flashlights and batteries
Paperback books - mystery, romance and historical fiction
Containers for sugar, flour, etc (NO ROACHES PLEASE GOD!)
Zip Lock Bags - All sizes
Seasonings - seasoned salt, onion and garlic powder, basics PLUS vanilla!
Summer education workbooks for children coming into 3rd, 5th, 7th and freshman years
Generator for House (would be nice!)
3 Laptops for Rwandan Staff
Nintendo DS games (used is fine!)
XB 360 games (I don't know if our boys will EVER get away from technology too much!)used is fine!

Trip Fundraising Update-April 26, 2006

Mourning in Rwanda

Two days ago in Rwanda, the government called on the people of Rwanda to mourn. It has been 12 years from April 7th that the genocide began in the lush country in Africa. The green ivy climbs the eucalyptus trees, the early morning fog rises into the mountains, the dew on the thick grass covers each blade, the flowers burst with every color in the rainbow and the blood runs under it all.

Hidden in mass graves across the countryside lie the bodies of a million people. No bones have ever been identified. You must assume that if no one has come back home by now, they were slaughtered by an old hoe or machete. Perhaps you never know the truth of your father's demise. But certainly, with the missing, there is a certainty of something awful. You can only imagine the worst case scenario and your mind reels with what you witnessed in secret while you hid in the bushes, waiting for them to find you next.

There is great mourning over this small country now. The hospital is filled with people in great physical pain and no other symptoms. The pain is grief. It is palpable. There is a loss there of exceeding proportion and no one can bring back the innocence of life before hell came to earth in 1994.

My heart is broken as one particular man comes into mind. We spoke today with Travis who is the Director of GFR in Rwanda. He is also the spiritual director as well. He has been developing a deep connection with Cyprien who is our accountant and small business developer. Cyprien lost everyone in his family. That word "lost" seems so inappropriate here. 200 of his nearest family, cousins, aunts, grandparents, friends and school mates were "stolen" from him. He managed to survive by escaping the country in an exodus. There he met his now-wife Claudette. They have started over together. However, he has never
shed a tear over any of this tragedy. He has been in shock for many years. 12 of them. Yesterday, as Travis talked with him, he broke down sobbing and finally released some of the pain he has been holding inside. He told his new white friend through his pouring tears, "I didn't know that a white man could ever cry over my loss and care for me. I saw all of the white men leaving us with their dogs when the war began. We were being abandoned."

I shed tears for him tonight, wishing I could hold him in my arms. We left... we all left them. And now I have an opportunity to show him we will stay! If you knew Cyprien, as some of us do... you would know how deeply loving he is. There is never a time he is not laughing or smiling. He is dear to me... and how much more important is he to Christ? I never want to leave these people - God help me never leave them. Cyprien wrote his testimony for us to put on our website. As soon as we are able, we will post it. I know you will be inspired!

If you are looking for more inspiration, there is a new book I highly recommend regarding finding God and forgiveness through the pain of the genocide by Immaculee Ilibagiza called Left to Tell. During this week of mourning, take the time to familiarize yourself with the holocaust in Rwanda in honor of the 1 million children, mothers, fathers and friends that are now gone.

How much chocolate should I bring to Rwanda?

Is it wrong to be wondering how much concealer I will need to bring to Rwanda for three months? I mean... isn't that somewhat vain? I also have found myself thinking about how much room brownie mix takes up in a suitcase in comparison to shoes for 6 people. What about three months of clothes and everything else I am used to having? This is not going to be some quick trip where we can make due until we return. It is THREE months!

All of the sudden I am forced to be thinking of bringing the bare necessities. This is NOT easy for someone as spoiled as myself. If it came down to bringing three pairs of shoes for me or a bag of chocolate chips, which would I choose!?! This is terrible! What will I bring in 12 bags that will sustain us for 90 days?? I think chocolate is going to be out of the question somehow, too messy. But perhaps Macaroni and Cheese?? Is there any way to bring cheese??

I feel so selfish. I really do. What in the world am I doing moving to Rwanda??? Even if it is short term. Have I lost my mind?? I have heard about other missionaries who "sold everything" and moved without even the struggle to hold on to worldly things. But that is not the case with me. I am really struggling with not having "stuff". What if I need new jeans? Do I have to let my friends here know that I wear American Eagle Brand Size 8 Hipster Flares?? And to put a rush on it!? What if I run out of mousse? African people don't use mousse! What about shopping? And I don't mean groceries! What if I get the urge to do that?! Missionaries don't mall hop, do they? There wouldn't be one of those anyway. And movies, I am going to miss "Pirates of the Carribean II" which opens in July! Holy cow, these thoughts are getting out of control.

Well, the fact is I am begining to see all of the "losses" I may experience. But as I sit here and begin to list all of the things I hold dear, there is a part of me that sees the futility in it. What does it matter if I can see all the movies I want and eat all the chocolate too and never have the opportunity to give food to a starving child? What about the fact that the families we serve are right now growing crops that they never dreamed would be theirs because they have purchased land and were literally bought out of slavery! That really puts things into perspective. Am I willing to look less at myself and what I wear and my own entertainment? Yes. Sometimes grudgingly... but it is never difficult when I am staring into the eyes of the sick, poor and destitute. Perhaps it is living here in the land of plenty that I so easily loose my focus on the people that have nothing to offer to me except their smiles and hugs.

So perhaps today what I need to ask for is not how much concealer to bring or another trip to the mall or even another pair of jeans, but rather a deep look into the eyes of those I serve so that my own perspective of reality is not marred by my geographical placement. Help me God to see them more vividly then my own reality so that I can be more willing to let go of my expectations of comfort and yet maintain Your humor of my own indulgent nature!

We are slowly reaching our trip
fund goals! Can you help? We leave
May 31st...