I have thought long and hard about what I when and why I would blog next. Honestly, I don't even know how to describe the battle that has been going on inside of me. I figured it would be a good thing to just be honest about it.
I am a human being with needs and desires just like everyone else. Although the experience that I have had in Rwanda has taught me a lot about the "real" world, it has also taught me something unexpected: Self-doubt. I have been feeling incredibly guilty for feeling exhausted or even overwhelmed. What do I have to complain about? The sea of people with REAL needs I have witnessed first hand know about life's pain. I feel like I have no reason to be sad, frustrated or lonely.
I have started a new Bible study, "The Beloved Disciple" by Beth Moore. It is really making me crazy. She keeps asking about what I think of myself to bring into light the life of the disciple John. He was a younger son of a fisherman. Just a fisherman... Sometimes I feel that way, just a missionary... Really I feel like I am no one special. I am wife, mother and missionary. That is how I have defined myself. And now, I am not so sure that I want to be defined that way. Does that really sum up what I am?
I feel lost and alone in my journey to understand the world around me. I am so frustrated by need and poverty. I myself have fallen into a poverty of the soul. How can I ever find peace again now that I see the world as it truly is; fallen, lost, dying, hurting, and suffering?? What can I even do about it all? I am one person, and now I am a burned out person too.
Watching my children acclimate from Africa to America was fine... they adjusted quicker than I did. But seeing them adjust from Christian school to public is not as easy. They are struggling to find their places, to understand a new culture who generally seem uncaring, self-centered, and lost also. Perhaps they are living the life I was in Africa. They are surrounded by need as well, albeit spiritual versus physical.
Anyway, I am feeling overwhelmed. That is pretty clear based on this journal entry! Keep praying!
Melody!
ReplyDeleteGood to see a new post from you! But, so sorry that it wasn't the most positive one and that you're having a hard time. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I'm not so great at stuff like that.
Just know that you're a truly amazing person, and you bring so much happiness and light into people's lives. You may feel like you're just a mom and missionary, but you're really so much more. You're a great friend to everyone you meet and you touch people in such a positive way. You have a great gift for working with people, and you are just such an amazing and sweet lady! I'll pray for you and your whole family (especially the kids with school, I know how much public schools suck)I miss ya sooooo much an can't wait to see you and everyone else soon!
Luv always,
Kenya
Melody,
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about you today while reading the lastest cover article in "Guideposts." It's about Rick Warren's wife who went through breast cancer, and is involved with AIDS...there's a photo of her and Rick in Rwanda surrounded by orphaned kids (mostly due to AIDS).
Anyway, I think that Ecclesiastes says it best... that days of mourning are more enlightening/more educational/better for the soul than days of joy. Maybe you're on a learning curve,hang in there, I'll be praying for you and don't be so scarred of your negative emotions (I don't know if you are or not, I just wanted to encourage you). I appreciate your honesty. I think we're all discovering who we are/why the heck we're here, what purpose we have. Some days, I want to have a noble purpose, some days I want to stay at home all day in my jammies. Some days I feel purposeful, in the center of God's will and some days I'm terribly lost and full of self-doubt and uncertainty, even doubtful of God's love for me, a horrible sinner and full of myself. That's live, I guess.
You're definitely not alone in this area.
Love and prayers to you and yours.
Liz P.