Alive

This picture is Ben and I at my dad's 80th birthday party. My running is really paying off!

Today I ran and beat my best time by 25 seconds. I feel stronger, faster and ready for a race. I was smiling through the run and I actually laughed when I hit my stride. The sunshine is brighter now and God seems to be sending me a message with each and every step I take. He loves me. He isn't angry. He wants me and I am the only girl in the world to Him. I was listening to P.O.D. during my last mile and the song "Alive" seemed to be the words I was singing from the heart. Here are some of them:

Everyday is a new day

I'm thank ful for

Every breath I take

I won't take it for granted

And I learn from my mistakes

It's beyond my control

Sometimes its best to let go

Whatever happens in the lifetime

So I trust in love, so I trust in love

You have given me peace of mind

I, I feel so alive

For the very first time

And I can't deny you

I feel so alive

I, I feel so alive

For the very first time

And I think I could fly

I love when God speaks to me like this. It feels right. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden I can only imagine how devastating it must have been to suddenly have to hide from God's presence. I am made to live in His light and not in the darkness of doubt and self hatred. Without Him I would not be able to connect to anything or anyone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. This is my favorite prayer right now and it feels so good to realize there are things I can't change and will never be able to but God accepts me just as I am. He made a way for me and I am at peace.

The Child Within

Recently one of my elementary school friends told me I helped her out of a very difficult situation when we were in second or third grade. Lets call her "Anna". Anna was an outcast of sorts. She was shy, a little awkward, had beautiful long brown tresses and was small in stature. Anna also didn't have a lot of friends. What I do remember is that one of the bigger and more popular girls in my circle continuously picked on her and that is pretty much all I can recall of Anna.

A few weeks ago, Anna wrote me a long note explaining her difficult and desperate situation as a bullied 10 year old girl. She told me she was devastated even until this day over the multiple attacks. She recalled crying each day when she went home from school. She was terrified every morning and had no peace of mind. Her mother worried about her regularly and didn't know how to help her survive the situation.

All at once I began feeling fearful of where this letter was going and quickly tried to retrace my memories. Worrisome questions loomed in my mind; had I been mean to her or had I participated in the bullying? I was truly concerned that Anna would tell me I had ruined her life in some way. It was then that she said these words that I will never forget:

Anna wrote, "Melody, if it wasn't for you I could never had made it through."

"Wait", I thought. "What did I do"? Embarrassingly, I could barely remember Anna. She was just one girl in a class of hundreds in our Chicago public school. I honestly remembered more about the scary bully than Anna because even I was afraid of her! This girl would often beat up her own brother... of course she could lay anyone of us out! Standing up to her was suicide. How could I have possibly helped?

But Anna proceeded to tell me that I had regularly stopped or distracted the bully from harassing her and that I had also been, "extremely kind" to her after the bullying took place. She remembered me with such fondness and was genuinely grateful for my interventions. She often thought of me when her own children were experiencing bullying and prayed for someone like me in their lives. I was shocked by the revelation. I had never known that I had made that kind of impact on her.

If you knew me when I was 10, you would know I was nearly the shortest girl in my class. You would also know that I was lively, always smiling and silly. You may even know that I was passionate about art, dancing and music. But what I just found out is that I was also kind and compassionate too. I took risks and stepped out against injustice even before I knew how many there would be in the world.

I love finding out about who I really am at my core, at the center of me. I see that those things are who I am if you strip away all the pain, the brokeness, the abuse, and the loss of innocence. I want to return to seeing those beautiful traits when I am angry at myself for another perceived failure. I want to embrace the truth of who I am and believe in the Melody that is in my center. Today I choose to believe that God gave me a great capacity for happiness and beauty.

More?

It is pouring rain outside and I am about to start work. The office is quiet and I can hear the cars rushing through the water and the drops on the window pane. I haven't got a clue what I am doing right now. I feel like my life is becoming monotonous and the sound of the rain is deafening. I want to live my life to the fullest extent but I feel held back. Maybe I am held back by rules, fears or insecurities. It bothers me when I feel like half of my life is gone and I don't have much to show for it. My kids are nearly grown, laugh lines are fully developed and material things are rusting. I want more and deep inside I feel a little guilty for that.

I want joy. I want peace. I want to stop second guessing myself. Maybe I want to break the rules a little. I want to breathe deeper and laugh harder. I want to talk during a movie and copy the teenagers in front of me who are making out in the theater. I don't want to cry anymore. Why should I? Why should I keep looking back? I want to go to church and not feel condemned. I want to feel a deep sense of God's love for me no matter how broken I am.

Mostly I want to know that there is more to life than this... pain and loss.

Running hard and fast

Nothing like pain after a good run... sometimes I wonder why I push myself so hard but I think it is because I want to dull the other pains in my life. Physical pain transcends the emotional. Running faster and harder than when I was a kid. I love it.

Beautiful girl

Just wanted to share an updated photo of Hope. It is so hard to believe she will be 13 in a month. Braces come off before then too! She is so excited. She is one of the most gentle people I know. I love hanging out with her!

Open Blog

So here are my thoughts. I have done little writing and limited my readers. I am about to open up the blog once again as a sign of solidarity for all us guarded authors. Hail to the people!

Today I read from my earliest blogs (2004) and I felt a certain longing for the country I am so fond of. I hope to have the opportunity to visit again. As I pondered what would change, I thought about the following; I would be sure to say hello and goodbye at every opportunity, I would laugh more, I would play with the children more and I would spend a lot of time in the mud-walled church that called me to my home far away.

I miss you...you know where you are. I hope to see you again.

Back on the wagon

I guess you could say I am back on the wagon. These are my thoughts.

I want to know who I am outside of the strapings of work or home. I am seeking something but I don't know if I will ever find it. I wish there was an elequent way to say this but there isn't.

I want to go home...where ever that is.

The report that made me smile!

Just received this report today from a family sponsored in Kamwenge Uganda! It brought tears to my eyes!

20 October, 2008
Family Name : Tinkasimire Apollo
Family No : #105076
Sponsor’s Name : Paul and Shelly Cavazos

PHOTOS:

THE FAMILY STANDING IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE


APOLLO AND THE KIDS WITH THEIR GOATS

Dear Paul and Shelly Cavazos:

I want to take this opportunity to thank the Almighty God who blessed us with wonderful and caring friends. I and my family would like to extend our warmly greetings to you and your family and we hope everything is well. We want express our heartfelt appreciation for the love, care and support you have been sending to us. We want to specially thank you for the gift of a beautiful permanent house, goats, a cow and beddings. Who are we to deserve all these blessings and love? We are so excited and indebted to your kindness and generosity. Your love is amazing and we have no words to express our inner feelings to you Paul and Shelly. Nearly every one in our village have come to see the house and livestock while making comments “from stark poverty to riches”, “what will ever happen to them they have their chance” they continue “God has given them and they are now through with the problems of the world”. The good thing is that every one seems to like me though other go on backbiting me because I have left their class and standard but with me I like them and I share with them the little I have to make them happy too. I thank GFR for the medicine of elephantiasis which I got. We are so grateful and we have no words to say.

We now sleep comfortably well in our house, we have mattresses and blankets , we sleep in different room and the children are very excited and have told nearly every one at their school about you and the house, their friends come here to see the house. I have told my children to stop bragging about what God has given us. We have livestock including goats, chickens and a beautiful cow and I am sure we shall start drinking milk from our own cow soon. We bought clothes and sandals for ourselves though some were stolen by children who come to visit but we still appreciate that we are going to buy new shoes and sandals. I was able to get proper treatment for my back and I no longer feel the back pains and I thank God for that. I am glad to report to you that we bought a small piece of land next to ours at the cost of US$320 but we paid US$220 and the balance will be paid in installments. This will help us to grow more food crops and run some poultry, piggery and goat rearing projects. We now have plenty of food and we rarely buy food because we still have what we harvested in our house. We only buy some vegetables, meat and milk like twice a month. We have household items and utensils to use for domestic purposes.

Our priority plans include finishing paying off the debt for the land we bought, buying chairs for our sitting room, buying 2 beds and buy some pigs for my project. I want to start a small retail shop in our trading centre which will help us have sustainable income for the family. I want to buy a bicycle and a radio. I have also saved some money with our local associations and 10% monthly savings on my bank account. Our life has drastically changed in terms of feeding, dressing, housing, breeding, health and food security and all this is attributed to you. We couldn’t have done anything without you. We love you very much and thank you for your support and prayers. We miss you but we have hope that one time we shall see as we continue praying for you. May the Lord bless you mightily.

Tinkasimire Apollo

James Joseph

Last weekend Ben and I went to a college football game. We had so much fun watching things up close and personal. Someone gave us tickets to the Michigan vs. Miami Ohio game in ROW 4! There was so much energy in the crowd and we had a ball seeing those healthy college boys running around by the dozens.

I guess that may sound funny to some people. But I have seen far too FEW boys that age in Rwanda, Uganda and even Tanzania that are happy and healthy. Many of them are being taken captive for war, suffering of AIDS, or maybe they are dying before the age of 5 like the large majority of African children.

I began battling feelings of guilt knowing that I have 4 children, 2 of which are boys, that have EVERY opportunity to LIVE. I look forward to them going to college, playing athletics, singing in church, playing an instrument, following the career that interests them, having children, buying a house, and on it goes....

My children have so much. I have so much. But James Joseph does not. He is 18 and since he was 16 he has been battling elephantiasis. He now has a 12 pound scrotum and has no hope to live unless he has emergency surgery. A team member this summer met him and raised some money to help and more is needed. We need $460 to save this boys life. I hope we can. He deserves to LIVE and with your help, he will meet other goals too.

If you can help James, please email me at melody.pahlow@globalfamilyrescue.org or mail a check to GFR at P.O. Box 529, Wheaton, Illinois 60187

Panera

I am sitting at Panera Bread and going over the last few months. I have been feeling a special pull on my heart lately for the poor in Africa once again. Even here I am aware of the abundance of America and my heart sinks as I look at the food items listed for sale. There are so many choices of foods. I feel spoiled. I feel guilty too.

How is it that I have all this? I can have soup today or a sandwich. I can choose a salad or a bagel. With the bagel I can choose butter or a spread. With the soup I can choose an apple or bread. The funny thing is that all of it tastes good and I can have two.

There is nothing I can say to compare my life to the villages we work in. The dominating food would be casava. It is a white root similar to a potato. There is usually no salt for them to increase flavors. They make stew with it but the water they boil it in is filthy and brown. They stir it with a long stick. It tastes bland and starchy and there are no other choices.

I wish I could bring one of them here to experience this. But then again, I would feel embarrased too. How could I explain the wealth and abundance here and the lack of the basics there? It is a puzzle.

Ben is doing better. The doctors put him through tons of tests. One doctor told me he needs to manage his stress better and relax. Ha! I still don't know how to make him do that! When I see him start to fume at the kids or one of the 3 dogs, I start yelling, "Relax!" I don't really think that is working!