Life is about letting go of the smaller stuff

Sometimes I feel so incapable of dealing with suffering here.  When God allows me just a sample of what the people here deal with I feel like I am going to break down.  For instance, no power cuts me off from my children, family and friends in America but the people of Uganda loose their children in birth and to illness regularly.  Also, Mike and Hope adopted two dying puppies that had an infestation of worms, ticks and fleas which caused our whole family to have to go through de-worming.  Orphans and widows in Uganda constantly deal with bugs and unsanitary conditions.  It is difficulties like these that cause me my greatest moments of weakness: loss of contact, lack of electrical power, unclean water, bugs and poor food options can make me weak in the knees.  So why does God have me here when these things are such a regular occurrence here?

Today I visited the only church in a small village in Mukono.  Pastor Dan has a church with no walls and no roof.  He ministers to his neighbors by praying for them and offering 17 orphans assistance for school.  It is not easy for him or his wife Susan.

Talking to Pastor Dan about the Orphans

Pastor Dan introduced his family to us and said that his second son was a twin.  His brother died shortly after his birth.  He said it pained him to talk about it. While he was caring for these other orphans, he looses a child but maintains support for the orphans even while his wife is suffering malaria after giving birth.  Who does that?  This man is committed to taking care of the little ones God put around him no matter what.  It is inspirational.  Even this very Sunday morning at 2:00 am, Pastor Dan had to pray for his neighbor who watched their 6 year old son die of anemia.  The burial had already taken place by the time I arrived at the church. 

Me feeding one of the Sick Orphans

I cried at the church service because I missed Amber and Nathan so much.  They are at home in America and I am so far from them.  But I know that I will have an opportunity to see them again... these lovely people will never get to see their sons, daughters, mothers or fathers; not until they die at least.  It is an ongoing topic among the people in the village.   They often talk about life as a GIFT.  Every breath is precious and valuable.  

Laughing with the Widows and Orphans

I love being with these people.  I love feeling that my life is more than just getting up and going about my business.  Life is about being COMPLETELY alive.  God has given me an opportunity to help others in great need and I won't waste it.  I am trying to get over all the little things like bugs and enjoy the big things like God, family, health and friendships. Tomorrow I will be running again and now I am thinking about having to jog through human, goat and cow manure.  God help me remember to enjoy that I am capable of running instead of focusing on the yucky part of it!  Ugh... this is harder than I thought it would be!

Reflections

It has been a few days since I have written.  The sun is shining and everyone else is in bed.  I have learned to take these few minutes in the morning for reading because the apartment is small and I hardly ever get a quiet moment.

As I reflect on the time I have spent in Uganda so far, I can see that God has brought me here for a purpose.  Before I left I would have said the purpose was to find and help the orphans and widows that die each day without hope.  But God is showing me it is far greater than that.  I am here to find me too.  Each night when the sun goes down at 6:30 and the mosquito net lowers above my bed, I sense a great longing inside of my soul.  There is time here to think and reflect on life and have few distractions in the process.  As I meditate, it is apparent that my heart is needing to be filled by hope that only God can offer.

So as I sit here today, I ask God to guide me and show me where He wants me to be physically and mentally.  I am lost without Him.  He is the only one who has the answers to our emptiness; whether that is an empty belly or an empty heart.  Psalms 143:8 says, " Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting in You.  Show me where to walk for I give myself to you."

16 orphans and the Church in Wakiso

There are too many young children alone... why must AIDS exist... what can one person do?  These questions are running through my head tonight.  Earlier today I met 16 orphans being cared for by a small village church in Wakiso.  The church has few members and no church building but the community is sharing a small shelter with them so that the children are not homeless.  Someone even donated porridge for them to eat.  It is a bland concoction that is heavy and thick; meant to keep a child full even when there is little sustenance in it.

Melody Stirring Porridge

I am angry.  I am just furious that young children are forced to huddle together in such squalor.  I am sick to my stomach looking at the Coke bottle I just picked up to drink.  These orphans have no such privilege.  Nothing so sweet has passed their lips in months.  Instead there is only mushy cereal.  They sleep on mud floors or 3 to a twin-sized mattress with no mosquito nets to protect them.  The oldest of them is 15 and manages to cook, clean and dress even the youngest child in the only pair of clothes they own.  There is no opportunity for school.  They are a family in and of themselves with a young woman named Josephine to look in on them from time to time.

 The Orphans Room

I was hoping this blog would help me; maybe be cathartic even.  It is not helping at all.  The more I write the more angry I am becoming.  I am crying full out now as I know right now they are alone and huddled into a filthy and bug infested room and hungry.  By now the porridge has gone and they are left with nothing until morning.  Why God?  Why do you allow such suffering?  How can these children be so joyful even in the midst of sorrow?  How can I be sitting under a mosquito net blubbering when there is so much work to be done? Surely this is not the way things should be.  Please God help me help these children.

Today at church I also noticed a small girl on stage that appeared to be sick.  I made sure to find her after the service and bent over to touch her head.  She was definitely feverish.  I found out she had no father and lives with her mother. I asked several health questions to try to diagnose the problem.  She was lethargic, feverish, not eating well.  It is possible she has Malaria is under-nourished but also one can not rule out Yellow Fever.  I gave Josephine some small money for a clinic nearby the church.  We will find out the diagnosis and get treatment for her.  I don't even know her name but certainly God does because He brought me there to help her.

The Little Sick Girl

Besides all this, the lovely people in Wakiso gave us ripe avocados, mangoes and eggs.  It is more than they needed to feed all 16 orphans and yet they gave them to us. It would have insulted them to try and give them back so we received them with joy.  I just can't imagine how a community of believers could have so little and give everything. 

I have learned today to love in a large way and be generous with strangers.  I have learned to laugh in the face of death and poverty because I have family.  I have learned to trust God whole-heartedly even when everything seems dark.  I have learned this from 16 lonely children who live only 20 miles away from me now.

An Acholi Tribal Woman

I am sitting under the mosquito net trying to ignore my drooping eyelids.  I want to say a little about my experiences so far in Kampala Uganda since my arrival 3 days ago.Here are a few words to describe Kampala today: traffic, dust, diesel fumes, body odor, human excrement in the streets and women sitting on the ground with huddled children who are too poor and broken to stand up and beg. 

We went to Nakasaro (could be spelled incorrectly) which is called "the basket".  It is the Ugandan market in Kampala that is completely Ugandan owned.  Most of the larger stores here are owned by foreigners. On the upside if you shop at Nakasaro you benefit the Ugandans directly.  On the downside you have to walk through some of the worst third world conditions I have ever experienced.  There were no "muzungus" (white people) for 8 city blocks which is rare for Kampala.

The little shops in Nakasaro are not even inches apart.  In every corner and in every space are boxed items pouring out into the street.  Nothing seems organized to me but I am sure the Ugandans know what sells best.  Whole mangoes, telephones, wood shelves, old shoes, hair nets, used baby clothes and even women selling their bodies abound in Nakasaro. 

It was when we were walking through the streets that I saw a woman sitting with a child on her lap.  She wasn't begging.  She looked tired but not helpless.  She had ragged clothes on and the child had on nothing but a scrap of material around the waist.  Above the woman's eyebrows were tattooed raised markings.  She was from the Acholi tribe which is in Northern Uganda.  That tribe has experienced incredible difficulties in the recent years.  Her face was static... no recognition - only alertness when I caught her eyes.  What little I had in my pocket I gave to her and it was then that the woman smiled.  She had most of her teeth and showed me each one.  When I said "God bless you" she leaned forward as if to remove the space between us.  I put my hand on her back and she leaned her child towards me.  The baby must have been only 6 months old.  I think she wanted me to bless the baby as well.  With no other words spoken between us I said a silent prayer of blessing on the tiny baby.  But I couldn't help thinking that there is so much more that needs to be done... needs to be conveyed.  I guess every time I have even a quick opportunity I want to say "you are significant and God loves you". 

I want to do more, be more and act more lovingly.  I want to be less selfish and more tender.  I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

Here is a picture of me getting ready to write my blog

Can God still use a frightened girl from Chicago?

I am standing on a precipice.  It has been a long walk to this edge… 3 years actually.  I am thinking of my own abilities and finding myself lacking.  I think, “Am I good enough?” or “Can I do this?”  It is even more fundamental than that.  I am thinking that my identity is no longer in what I own.  I can not distract myself by belongings, a home, being a mother or a wife; rather with nothing owned everything has simplified.  Now my identity is truly only that which I am and what my calling is.  Everything else doesn’t matter.  It is now only who I am in God and the talents that He has given me that matters. 

As I look into the skies and hear the planes taking off and landing, I can only think of my destiny.  I have been called to this miraculously; despite all my faults and short-comings.  Somehow I have been asked to take a huge leap of faith and trust that God has my best interest in mind.  Somehow He knew that though I hate bugs, loneliness, lack of clean water and air conditioning – he also knew I would love the broken passionately and put every other thing behind me… even shopping (a bigger miracle than I want to admit to).  Even today God established that I was on the right path when a dear friend dropped off a substantial parting gift at our hotel. 

So what do I see when I look in the mirror now?  I see an unsure girl who has nothing but a bag and a mustard seed of faith and apparently that is all that God requires of me tonight.  I am still scared but I also feel so privileged to know a God who believes that even a frightened girl can make a difference in the world.