Bound to Love

Bound to Love - part of the poem by Petrarca (Italian Poet from the late Middle Ages)

Benedetto sia 'l giorno, et 'l mese, et 'lanno,
"Oh blessed be the day the month the year,"

et la stagione, e 'l tempo, et l'ora, e 'l punto,
"the season and the time, the hour the instant,"

e 'l bel paese, e 'l loco ov'io fui guinto
"the gracious countryside, the place where I was"

da'duo begli occhi che legato m'anno;
"struck by those two lovely eyes that bound me;"

et benedetto il primo dolce affanno
"and blessed be the first agony"

ch'i' ebbi ad esser con Amor conguinto,
"I felt when I found myself bound to Love"

et l'arco, et le saette and'i' fui punto,
"The bow and all the arrows that have pierced me."

et le piaghe che 'nfin al cor mi vanno.
"The wounds that reach the bottom of my heart."

Finished my first 5K!

So excited to have finished my first race. Beat my own time by a minute each mile. So proud of myself! Treated myself to pancakes afterwards. Will be training for the reindeer run next! I am totally addicted. Also, as you can see, I got to shake Dr. Oz's hand. He was super nice. I ran even with my muscle separation on the tibia... so my sports doc says I have to take 2 weeks off my training. I wonder what my time will be when I am NOT injured!

T.S. Eliot

I read this and thought it was worth meditating on:

The Four Quartets, T.S. Eliot

To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess,
You must to by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not,
You must go through the way in which you are not.

Sometimes growing and changing is so painful. I feel all at once hopeless, frustrated and without direction. However, at the same time the process is so liberating and freeing. It is a break from the normal. There is a part of me I have accepted that is completely unsatisfied with the current situation. There is also the part of me that wants to stay comfortable. It is a constant fight to stay in discomfort so I can be something else. I don't want to stay here in complacency any longer. So now I choose ignorance, dispossession, a lack of ecstacy at times and going through a way in which I am not.

Forward

I feel nervous today. I am preparing for my race... the first race of my life. I didn't know running could be so all engrossing. It feels like I am becoming more and more addicted to the adrenaline rush. I am surpassing my goals, going further, getting faster. I believe I am a runner. As my friends Ken and Val say, I have tasted the purple koolaid :)

Ben asked me yesterday, "Why do you run"? I didn't really know how to answer that. There are lots of reasons; health, stress relief, anger management, etc. Those would be typical reasons. However, I believe the one thing that keeps me going is the forward motion. When I run and my mind goes to that wonderful zen place, I know I am moving ahead -- forward and not back. I want to run and never look back. I sense that there is more ahead of me than behind. I don't believe in staying in one place anymore. I won't be complacent. I won't be trapped. I won't be stagnant. I will choose my future and chase after it. Running is a physical representation of my new committment to my future; healthy, strong, confident, take charge. Whatever it is God has for me I want to be ready.

My husband, my sister, my brother in law and my daughter are all inspired to become more physically active. I am so glad. When we are physically healthy then other areas of our life become more clear and focused too. It's good all the way around. I feel changed and new...So what is the next aspect of my life that God wants transform?

Fall colors trip

Pictures from our annual fall colors trip to Wisconsin! So fun!

Ben waiting for the waves on Lake Michigan

Being silly

Looking at my favorite tree...so many colors!


Love Lake Michigan!

Looking over the river

Dinner -- so delicious!

Standing on a rock..

We laughed all day!

Here is my favorite tree

Getting ready for a romantic dinner

Picking leaves off my favorite tree

Making Ben laugh is my hobby!

Whew! Needed a break! That was a fun ride!

Alive

This picture is Ben and I at my dad's 80th birthday party. My running is really paying off!

Today I ran and beat my best time by 25 seconds. I feel stronger, faster and ready for a race. I was smiling through the run and I actually laughed when I hit my stride. The sunshine is brighter now and God seems to be sending me a message with each and every step I take. He loves me. He isn't angry. He wants me and I am the only girl in the world to Him. I was listening to P.O.D. during my last mile and the song "Alive" seemed to be the words I was singing from the heart. Here are some of them:

Everyday is a new day

I'm thank ful for

Every breath I take

I won't take it for granted

And I learn from my mistakes

It's beyond my control

Sometimes its best to let go

Whatever happens in the lifetime

So I trust in love, so I trust in love

You have given me peace of mind

I, I feel so alive

For the very first time

And I can't deny you

I feel so alive

I, I feel so alive

For the very first time

And I think I could fly

I love when God speaks to me like this. It feels right. When Adam and Eve sinned in the garden I can only imagine how devastating it must have been to suddenly have to hide from God's presence. I am made to live in His light and not in the darkness of doubt and self hatred. Without Him I would not be able to connect to anything or anyone.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. This is my favorite prayer right now and it feels so good to realize there are things I can't change and will never be able to but God accepts me just as I am. He made a way for me and I am at peace.

The Child Within

Recently one of my elementary school friends told me I helped her out of a very difficult situation when we were in second or third grade. Lets call her "Anna". Anna was an outcast of sorts. She was shy, a little awkward, had beautiful long brown tresses and was small in stature. Anna also didn't have a lot of friends. What I do remember is that one of the bigger and more popular girls in my circle continuously picked on her and that is pretty much all I can recall of Anna.

A few weeks ago, Anna wrote me a long note explaining her difficult and desperate situation as a bullied 10 year old girl. She told me she was devastated even until this day over the multiple attacks. She recalled crying each day when she went home from school. She was terrified every morning and had no peace of mind. Her mother worried about her regularly and didn't know how to help her survive the situation.

All at once I began feeling fearful of where this letter was going and quickly tried to retrace my memories. Worrisome questions loomed in my mind; had I been mean to her or had I participated in the bullying? I was truly concerned that Anna would tell me I had ruined her life in some way. It was then that she said these words that I will never forget:

Anna wrote, "Melody, if it wasn't for you I could never had made it through."

"Wait", I thought. "What did I do"? Embarrassingly, I could barely remember Anna. She was just one girl in a class of hundreds in our Chicago public school. I honestly remembered more about the scary bully than Anna because even I was afraid of her! This girl would often beat up her own brother... of course she could lay anyone of us out! Standing up to her was suicide. How could I have possibly helped?

But Anna proceeded to tell me that I had regularly stopped or distracted the bully from harassing her and that I had also been, "extremely kind" to her after the bullying took place. She remembered me with such fondness and was genuinely grateful for my interventions. She often thought of me when her own children were experiencing bullying and prayed for someone like me in their lives. I was shocked by the revelation. I had never known that I had made that kind of impact on her.

If you knew me when I was 10, you would know I was nearly the shortest girl in my class. You would also know that I was lively, always smiling and silly. You may even know that I was passionate about art, dancing and music. But what I just found out is that I was also kind and compassionate too. I took risks and stepped out against injustice even before I knew how many there would be in the world.

I love finding out about who I really am at my core, at the center of me. I see that those things are who I am if you strip away all the pain, the brokeness, the abuse, and the loss of innocence. I want to return to seeing those beautiful traits when I am angry at myself for another perceived failure. I want to embrace the truth of who I am and believe in the Melody that is in my center. Today I choose to believe that God gave me a great capacity for happiness and beauty.

More?

It is pouring rain outside and I am about to start work. The office is quiet and I can hear the cars rushing through the water and the drops on the window pane. I haven't got a clue what I am doing right now. I feel like my life is becoming monotonous and the sound of the rain is deafening. I want to live my life to the fullest extent but I feel held back. Maybe I am held back by rules, fears or insecurities. It bothers me when I feel like half of my life is gone and I don't have much to show for it. My kids are nearly grown, laugh lines are fully developed and material things are rusting. I want more and deep inside I feel a little guilty for that.

I want joy. I want peace. I want to stop second guessing myself. Maybe I want to break the rules a little. I want to breathe deeper and laugh harder. I want to talk during a movie and copy the teenagers in front of me who are making out in the theater. I don't want to cry anymore. Why should I? Why should I keep looking back? I want to go to church and not feel condemned. I want to feel a deep sense of God's love for me no matter how broken I am.

Mostly I want to know that there is more to life than this... pain and loss.

Running hard and fast

Nothing like pain after a good run... sometimes I wonder why I push myself so hard but I think it is because I want to dull the other pains in my life. Physical pain transcends the emotional. Running faster and harder than when I was a kid. I love it.

Beautiful girl

Just wanted to share an updated photo of Hope. It is so hard to believe she will be 13 in a month. Braces come off before then too! She is so excited. She is one of the most gentle people I know. I love hanging out with her!