Receive!!!

Beth Moore is someone I think I will be quoting for a lifetime. Something struck me about Week 3 Day 2’s devotional of “The Beloved Disciple”.

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds – John 12:24 – As a child who bears the name of Christ, if part of you has died, it is meant to produce many seeds in time. Has it? Have we lived long enough and cooperated enough to see tender shoots come forth from the barren ground?”

Many parts of me have “died”. That is very clear to me. The wounds I carry seem to fade when I attend church and sing worship songs, laugh out loud with my friends and snuggle up to Ben. But when I am alone, the scars of my personal deaths scream for recognition. I have come to accept many of my wounds as “thorns in the flesh” to keep me needing God so desperately. Sometimes I am grateful for the reminder of the need… Other times; I want to resort to my own abilities so I can feel in control.

As a matter of fact, the other day I was about to lead a high school youth group (I am a new leader), and I excused myself into another room and fell onto the floor in prayer. “God, you know I can’t do this without you. Please help me be real and connect with these girls. I am Your servant and I trust that You are enough.” I got through the night fine. But I am reminded that my self-doubts may be exactly why God wants me where I am!

On the Africa front, I have tried to adjust to this culture with grace and poise… ha! But no matter how dignified I appear to be, the simplest things seem to get under my skin. The cost of movies or even being “entertained” seems a waste of time. Turning on the oven without having to collect wood is truly amazing. Our water never runs out. I still can’t stop doing a double take when I think I see a snake or lizard in every leaf on the grass or street! And, to top it off, the other day I heard someone coughing and I thought, “Uh-oh, that might be tuberculosis”.

I am finding it difficult to “receive” yet. What I mean is that I struggle with letting good happen to me without feeling guilt. But I am getting better. Today a friend of mine gave me a gift card to a salon/spa. I was able to get a wonderful facial. The room was beautiful and serene. The soft music and candles added to the ambiance of relaxation. I think even the chair was heated! Mandy started rubbing in some cleanser into my face and a tear ran down my right cheek. She scooped it up with a cotton ball. I think she just thought I had sensitive eyes. Each new step brought another tear, until she came to the moisturizer (luckily near the end). Tears started rolling from my eyes and I sniffed so she exclaimed, “Oh! Are you ok? Is this too strong?” “No”, I said, “I am just so amazed to be this blessed.” I explained a little about what I did and she spent extra time drying my tears with cotton balls. Thankfully she understood I was having a hard time accepting this gift! Right now, seeing the world’s reality makes it hard for me to enjoy pleasurable experiences. I sometimes wonder if that will ever go away.

You know, there is a gratefulness I experience on a daily basis just to be alive. I have had everything I could ever hope to have today. I have food and water. I am even blessed with a warm home. I have healthy children and they even get to have an education. My husband loves God and he loves me. Now, the tender shoots I would like to see come next in my life are in the area of knowing God’s special attention to me personally. I seem to feel so alone sometimes, especially when I think of how many people really need God’s full notice! But when I list all of these wonderful blessings, I have forgotten to see that God has specifically placed all of them in MY life… It is as if His own hand is reaching out to me and drawing me close when I open up the door of my home. He is there giving to me when I open up the refrigerator to eat. And when I go to sleep next to Ben, God grants me a physical presence of comfort. Those are MY special gifts from Him… I hope I can remember to see Him in those ways tomorrow!

Overwhelmed

I have thought long and hard about what I when and why I would blog next. Honestly, I don't even know how to describe the battle that has been going on inside of me. I figured it would be a good thing to just be honest about it.

I am a human being with needs and desires just like everyone else. Although the experience that I have had in Rwanda has taught me a lot about the "real" world, it has also taught me something unexpected: Self-doubt. I have been feeling incredibly guilty for feeling exhausted or even overwhelmed. What do I have to complain about? The sea of people with REAL needs I have witnessed first hand know about life's pain. I feel like I have no reason to be sad, frustrated or lonely.

I have started a new Bible study, "The Beloved Disciple" by Beth Moore. It is really making me crazy. She keeps asking about what I think of myself to bring into light the life of the disciple John. He was a younger son of a fisherman. Just a fisherman... Sometimes I feel that way, just a missionary... Really I feel like I am no one special. I am wife, mother and missionary. That is how I have defined myself. And now, I am not so sure that I want to be defined that way. Does that really sum up what I am?

I feel lost and alone in my journey to understand the world around me. I am so frustrated by need and poverty. I myself have fallen into a poverty of the soul. How can I ever find peace again now that I see the world as it truly is; fallen, lost, dying, hurting, and suffering?? What can I even do about it all? I am one person, and now I am a burned out person too.

Watching my children acclimate from Africa to America was fine... they adjusted quicker than I did. But seeing them adjust from Christian school to public is not as easy. They are struggling to find their places, to understand a new culture who generally seem uncaring, self-centered, and lost also. Perhaps they are living the life I was in Africa. They are surrounded by need as well, albeit spiritual versus physical.

Anyway, I am feeling overwhelmed. That is pretty clear based on this journal entry! Keep praying!